Tucker Carlson Exploits Child Labor

Slow Boyle in Candyland

Unwitting Child Laborer with own Twitpic of stolen candy

**UPDATE—What would a supercilious muskrat sound like? Watch young Matthew’s YouTube and find out!**

Young Matthew Boyle, only 23, once had direction: a goal, ambition, dreams. He wanted to become a professional journalist. But that was before his hopes of seeing his name linked with great things were dashed by an unscrupulous editor, an amoral prankster who saw in young Boyle only a conduit: Tucker Carlson. For without Tucker Carlson’s urging, young Boyle would never have endangered his professional reputation by committing a few sins of omission that enabled the parental-unit-supplemented young guttersnipe to get on Food Stamps. (Note: he tweets that he did no such thing. The wording of his original article would lead one to believe otherwise.)

And without going on Food Stamps, young Boyle would never have blighted his career in the bud and embarrassed himself throughout this land, far and wide. He would not have written this article,boasting about defrauding the Food Stamps program, and let the world know what a shallow frat-boy still taking money from the ‘rents would do to debase himself for the Daily Crawler, a notorious internet den of high-pitched snickering, nor gotten his shame retweeted by convicted felons, themselves repudiated by their unscrupulous mentors after their overzealous creepiness turned their young selves into objects of general ridicule.

Sure, at first Boyle may not look like a victim: indeed, he may look like a sheltered, callow putz with more ambition than brains, who took a good start and threw it away to please an older pledge at Sigmoid House. But, as he tweeted to WEBZ real reporter Natalie Y Moore, (from whose work he could learn much):

@natalieymoore the #foodstamps story I wrote was about how college students who dont need them get them and spend them frivolously

But of course that’s the reason Daily Crawler is deeply concerned with the budget-busting heath crisis resulting from pudgy mommy-dependent scholars charging Uncle Sam for their freshman 15. Boyle of course doesn’t consider the plight of college students whose parents can’t enable them to blow their supplemental benefit on swordfish and chanterelles. But perhaps he may incorporate interviews with some people from outside his experience in his next hard-hitting investigation.

He has tweeted a request for suggestions:

Any ideas folks for future investigations I should do? What do you want to know about?
1:39 PM Dec 8th via Twitter for Android

Anybody have any ideas?
(H/T,John Cole at Balloon Juice, where young Boyle was perhaps the only uniting factor in an otherwise supremely fractious week)
         

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 12/09/10 at 12:47 PM • Permalink

Categories: ImagesPoliticsNuttersTeabaggeryOur Stupid MediaSkull Hampers

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>>>Any ideas folks for future investigations I should do? What do you want to know about?<<<

How about prison rape?

What does it feel like having a 36 year old liberal with a fully functioning soul shit in your lungs?

I am prepared to help lil’ Matty complete his research.

Yeah I said my piece on Matt yesterday.

@Zandar: LOL, sorry I didn’t comment on it at your place, Z, but this story made me so goddamned mad that if I had opened my e-mouth on the topic, and another firebagger troll had decided to opine (most likely, even in another thread), I would have freaking lost it.  I had to let it walk on by.  I’m in a better mood today, though.

I will not be responsible for taking a flamethrower to my own unicorn.  ;-)

I wrote was about how college students who dont need them get them and spend them frivolously

This is also his justification for rape, prostitution, taking and selling drugs and shooting up a classroom.

ALL THE OTHER KIDS WUZ DOIN’ IT!

What do you want to know about?

1. Which feels worse - Me punching you repeatedly in the face or me kicking you repeatedly in the junk.
2. Horrible industrial accidents - An insider’s view.
3. Life after death. What’s it like?

who took a good start and threw it away to please an older pledge at Sigmoid House

That made a craptacular day delightful. XOXO

The very first line on dickhead’s personal site:

My name is Matthew Boyle and I’m a professional journalist and I specialize in online journalism.

My name is Lawnguylander and I’m an amateur commenter and I’m embarrassed every time I write a sentence that clumsy. 

He’s the male K-Lo.

He’s the male K-Lo.

OMG. Separated at Birth.

Speaking of bad journalism… did anyone else hear about how FOX News reported a satire article from the Onion as real news earlier…and then when caught, just tried to pull the article and pretend that nothing happened?

http://theinternettoday.net/news/fox-news-publishes- article-from-the-onion-as-real-news-then-removes-it-after-th ey-are-called-out/

Comment by G on 12/09/10 at 08:07 PM

Last month, despite the fact that I’m middle class and have a job….


I make $600 a month writing
for TheDC and another $493 as a teaching assistant at AU. My rent is $1,365. The arrangement works because most of my rent and other expenses are covered under my student loans or paid by my parents (thanks, Mom and Dad).

In what universe is this middle class?  He makes sod all money, he’s got loans (you will have to pay them back, young man) and he sponges off his Mum and Dad.  Your parents being middle class doesn’t make you one, you pillock.

Seeing as my monthly income after tax is $2363, of which rent is $1256, I have no overdraft, credit card, loans or free money from parental units I must be upper class because I’m not in debt from the get go by paying for a roof over my head and having left overs for those other bothersome things like power, water, food - they don’t do food stamps here, you can get a food grant up to $150 three times a year and you have to tell them which supermarket you’re going to.  I’ve asked for three in nine years $100, $70, $70 - clothes and the most important thing…the internets. ;-)

Your parents being middle class doesn’t make you one, you pillock.

Unless you’re still on your parents’ tax forms as a dependent?

I must be upper class

Can you lend me your airplane?  ABL’s is too small, and OMG, I was totes embarrassed when I took Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild to St. Tropez last season for our annual summit on what is to be done about the hapless teeming masses.

So, here’s what I can’t figure out.  Given this dude and O’Queef as a representative sample, why are young conservatives such pasty, ugly bastards?  Does the lack of any action “with the ladies” lead inevitably to ridiculous political views?  It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

Does being an egregious douchebag cause traumatic jawline failure?  It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

Does being an egregious douchebag cause traumatic jawline failure

I think you may be onto something here.  The total lack of a chin is widespread amongst these folks and the latter stages of the condition seem to include the addition of jowls. Thus, we move from larval conservatives to the matured, jowly, chinless late-stage creatures like Mitch McConnell and Jesse Helms.

He looks like Ed Grimley, minus the animal charisma.

theturtlemoves—don’t forget KKKarl Rove.

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