Tucker Carlson Exploits Child Labor
Unwitting Child Laborer with own Twitpic of stolen candy
**UPDATE—What would a supercilious muskrat sound like? Watch young Matthew’s YouTube and find out!**
Young Matthew Boyle, only 23, once had direction: a goal, ambition, dreams. He wanted to become a professional journalist. But that was before his hopes of seeing his name linked with great things were dashed by an unscrupulous editor, an amoral prankster who saw in young Boyle only a conduit: Tucker Carlson. For without Tucker Carlson’s urging, young Boyle would never have endangered his professional reputation by committing a few sins of omission that enabled the parental-unit-supplemented young guttersnipe to get on Food Stamps. (Note: he tweets that he did no such thing. The wording of his original article would lead one to believe otherwise.)
And without going on Food Stamps, young Boyle would never have blighted his career in the bud and embarrassed himself throughout this land, far and wide. He would not have written this article,boasting about defrauding the Food Stamps program, and let the world know what a shallow frat-boy still taking money from the ‘rents would do to debase himself for the Daily Crawler, a notorious internet den of high-pitched snickering, nor gotten his shame retweeted by convicted felons, themselves repudiated by their unscrupulous mentors after their overzealous creepiness turned their young selves into objects of general ridicule.
Sure, at first Boyle may not look like a victim: indeed, he may look like a sheltered, callow putz with more ambition than brains, who took a good start and threw it away to please an older pledge at Sigmoid House. But, as he tweeted to WEBZ real reporter Natalie Y Moore, (from whose work he could learn much):
@natalieymoore the #foodstamps story I wrote was about how college students who dont need them get them and spend them frivolously
But of course that’s the reason Daily Crawler is deeply concerned with the budget-busting heath crisis resulting from pudgy mommy-dependent scholars charging Uncle Sam for their freshman 15. Boyle of course doesn’t consider the plight of college students whose parents can’t enable them to blow their supplemental benefit on swordfish and chanterelles. But perhaps he may incorporate interviews with some people from outside his experience in his next hard-hitting investigation.
Any ideas folks for future investigations I should do? What do you want to know about?
1:39 PM Dec 8th via Twitter for Android
Anybody have any ideas?
(H/T,John Cole at Balloon Juice, where young Boyle was perhaps the only uniting factor in an otherwise supremely fractious week)