Weathervane demands constancy

Will someone please stage an intervention with Mittens before he dumps tens of millions more devalued dollars into a doomed quest for the 2012 GOP nomination? The Five Sons of Mitt are the most obvious candidates for the task. The Romneys are loaded, but they are multiplying like bunnies and will eventually need every cent to keep the MiniMitts in MittMansions and Guatemalan gardeners.

Mitt’s definitely running, though, else why would he churn out hilarious shit like this?

The first rule of turnarounds is to focus time, energy and resources on what matters most. The president simply cannot treat this crisis like another of his many problems. The oil disaster could hurt millions of families, slam the regional economy, kill untold numbers of non-human lives and irreparably damage the planet. Among other things, he must not hold more rock concerts at the White House — I understand James Carville’s venting: His hero fiddled as oil churned.

That last sentence is a rather obvious lie—nobody really understands anything crazed-fetus-look-a-like Carville says, least of all Mitt, who is also too dumb to realize that Obama is hardly Carville’s hero. But no more rock concerts—great point.

Mitt goes on:

Finding fault is easier than finding answers. [LULZ! – ed.] And worse, it paralyzes many of the very people who may be needed to solve a crisis. When Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast states, Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco went on the attack; Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour went to work. His state’s recovery is textbook; hers is not.

Well, there’s also the fact that Louisiana has approximately seven times more coastline than Mississippi and had a major city (and a below sea level one at that) in Katrina’s path whereas Mississippi did not. And that the president at the time was a drooling moron who chose an Arabian show horse judge to head up the government agency charged with responding to disasters. But aside from those small considerations—zing! – score one for Mittens!

In addition to the hilarious op-ed, Mittens is debasing himself in other ways to amass chits for his upcoming run: He’s campaigning tirelessly for Crabby Pants McCain, whose contempt for Romney is thick enough to be sawed into blocks and used as boot-scrapers.

But just as McCain bested Mittens in the 2008 nomination race, McCain will top Romney in the politically motivated self-debasement sweepstakes too. Just this week, he made himself ridiculous with yet another vapid Bumpit and tanning bed aficionado:

In a preview for [Jersey Shore’s] next season, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi laments that she doesn’t use tanning beds anymore because “Obama put a 10 percent tax on tanning.”
She says, “McCain would never put a 10 percent tax on tanning, because he’s pale and he would probably want to be tan.”

So now your preznit is trying to hog all the melanin too:

McCain, a skin cancer survivor, replied Wednesday on Twitter, saying “u r right, I would never tax your tanning bed! Pres Obama’s tax/spend policy is quite The Situation. but I do rec wearing sunscreen!”

Snooki replied: “Haha Yes!!”

I wonder if Snooki has any thoughts on how to address the environmental catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico…

Posted by Betty Cracker on 06/11/10 at 12:17 PM • Permalink

Mittens is right! No GOP Dear Leader would ever noodle around on a guitar in a time of great crisis.

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