Who The Hell Is Alan Colmes?

This story is over a week old, but who cares? It’s hilarious!

Apparently, some college kid production assistant at the Sean Hannity Show named Calan Holmes—no, wait, Alan Colmes?—is leaving the show.

Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this?

Apparently, Mr. Holmes’s duties included fetching Sean Hannity’s coffee, donuts, and spit cup, as well as going out to local bookstores and purchasing Mr. Hannity’s books on Mr. Holmes’s own personal credit card in order to drive up sales, for which, it was understood, Mr. Holmes, er—Colmes—would not be reimbursed.

Apparently, Mr. Colmes was so much of a nuisance on the set, and so ineffective at his job, that the Sean Hannity Show isn’t even considering replacing him.

But of course, just like any hopeless young kid with big show business dreams, Mr. Colmes likes to fantasize that his work had a huge impact, not only on his craft, but also on the entire country.

Colmes—who is rumored to be a political liberal—has mysteriously taken credit for the recent Democratic wave that has swept the nation:

“We have a Democratic House, Senate and president,” Colmes said in an interview. “My work is done.”

Yes, Mr. Colmes, you tell that interviewer (who is probably just Mr. Colmes himself playing make believe reporter in front of his bedroom mirror at night), you tell ‘em.

It is believed that Mr. Colmes’s next step will be starting his own blog, so he can tell the whole world just how wonderful and effective and influential he is.

Posted by Noah on 12/04/08 at 04:10 PM • Permalink

Categories: Politics • Our Stupid Media •

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Alan Colmes has a blog!

Comment by Noah on 12/04/08 at 07:19 PM

For 12 years, Alan Colmes has done the difficult job of providing wingnut bigots with a talking, 3D representation of the gutless, ineffectual, crossed-eyed, faintly-foreign-Bolshevist-looking liberal worm they delight in bitch-slapping in their beer-soaked, fart-stained fantasies.

If just once in those 12 years he had turned to Sean and said, “Shut your fat drunken Mick mouth, before I fuck it like I fuck your Pope-loving wife, you pinheaded racist shitbag,” I’d feel bad that he’s leaving.

But no. He was content to be the Steppin’ Fetchit of intellectual liberal pundits. He cheapened the label, and through his rubber-spined submission enabled Fox’s marquee Red-Assed Flag-Fucking Lie-Monger to build his brand.

I’m sure his blog will give Darragh Murphy (and the Society of Lithuanian Head-Transplant Patients) a real run for the money on Alexa.

Comment by StrangeAppar8us on 12/04/08 at 07:37 PM

Wow. That was beautiful.

Comment by Noah on 12/04/08 at 07:51 PM

Hey, you did the hard work and blogged this.

I’m just a drive-by poster.

The glory is all yours.

Comment by StrangeAppar8us on 12/04/08 at 09:10 PM

Can you believe Monica Crowley is his sister? she doesnt have any brains…but you know….i’d do her.

Comment by bimbo slice on 12/04/08 at 09:12 PM

StrangeAppar8us-

I beg to differ. That comment was amazing!

bimbo slice—

Isn’t Monica Crowley his sister in law?

Comment by Noah on 12/04/08 at 09:49 PM

oops looks like you are right Noah..although I pretty sure Huffington Post claimed she was his sister..well whaddaya know? too good to be true, eh?

still….i’d do her.

Comment by bimbo slice on 12/05/08 at 12:21 AM

But no. He was content to be the Steppin’ Fetchit of intellectual liberal pundits. He cheapened the label, and through his rubber-spined submission enabled Fox’s marquee Red-Assed Flag-Fucking Lie-Monger to build his brand.

And THEN had the gall to piously whine “if I don’t do it, Fox will just hire someone else instead”.

Guess what Mr. Spineless Wonder, you’re not and they didn’t.

So was polishing Hannity’s knob worth the 30 pieces of silver Fox was paying you? Or was it a “good annual pension of £360” like Benedict Arnold got from the British?

Comment by Patrick McKinnion on 12/05/08 at 01:41 AM

Great post!

Is it just me or does Alan Colmes look like a squirrel in the spring? And his gonads are about the same size, at least when confronted with the mighty “intellect” of Sean Hannity :)

My suggestion for his replacement: Robert Gibbs

Comment by Francis on 12/05/08 at 02:10 AM

OFF TOPIC:

I was just over at NoquarterUSA poking the tin-foil hat crowd with a stick when their Dear Leader, Larry “Whitey Tape” Johnson, posted an ill-considered rant about Bob Novak and the Valerie Plame affair.

While I agree with the substance of his article about Novak committing something close to treason by outing Plame, LJ (as always) takes it way, way too far. The money quote from Mr. Whitey Tape: “So Bob, with respect to your brain tumor. I have a phrase for you. Karma is a bitch.”

http://www.noquarterusa.net/blog/2008/12/04/hey-bob- novak-karma-is-a-bitch/#comments

Now this puts me in the odd position. I loathe Bob Novak and everything he stands for. But mocking a dying man and insinuating he deserves brain cancer is utterly classless, even for Larry the Loser.

In a strange twist of fate, a couple of hours after Larry posted his Novak smear, someone on NQ announces that Larry’s beloved dog has just passed.

http://www.noquarterusa.net/blog/2008/12/04/larry-lo st-his-devoted-friend-today/

Out of respect for the dog (not Larry) I will avoid making any snarky comments about Karma being a…what was it Larry said?

Comment by Francis on 12/05/08 at 02:41 AM

I loathe Bob Novak and everything he stands for. But mocking a dying man and insinuating he deserves brain cancer is utterly classless, even for Larry the Loser.

I totally echo your sentiments. It sounds like Caesar was a good dog. Too bad he was stuck with a classless shithead for an owner.