You ass, out of my uterus
Sentient smirk Dana Milbank wishes you shrill broads would tone it down a little, please. Your baseless ranting’s distracting him from the important work of being an above-it-all dipshit.
Abortion provider Merle Hoffman called a news conference at the National Press Club on Tuesday morning to announce the results of an alarming new study she commissioned:
Oh, you just know there was a nanosecond wherein he said to himself “a woman named Merle?” Wish I could’ve been there to see the shadow flit across his face when the realization kicked in.
Abortion rates have exploded since the economic collapse, she warned, as nearly three-quarters of women ending their pregnancies say they simply can’t afford to have a baby. Hoffman expanded on that trend to forecast a “dim future” for women if a Republican wins the White House: a world of abortion “slave states” and “underground railroads” and “pre-Roe reality.”
There was just one problem with this hysteria:
I’d be inclined to begrudgingly award some chutzpah points if I believed for one second that this jagoff was clever enough to’ve made an informed word choice right there.
The data in the study she presented were from 2008 — before the impact of the recession was felt. The sweeping conclusions came, rather, from “journalistic reports,” as well as “seminal studies” (no pun intended, apparently) at Hoffman’s own clinic in New York — where, as she eventually admitted, abortion rates were “relatively stable” the last two years.
Dubious statistics? Calling a news conference to tell reporters about conclusions reached by reading newspapers? This can mean only one thing: It’s Roe week in the capital.
I reached a conclusion by reading a newspaper! My conclusion is (taps mic) you suck.
The annual carnival in Washington around the Jan. 22 anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision (Happy 39th, Roe!) has become more farcical with each repetition.
Could we try that again, and this time be a wee bit more patronizing with the parenthetical? I’m thinking you could do the “...there was a hook!” bit, y’know, with a coathanger sticking out of your sleeve? Not to micromanage.
As technology and state-policy changes make the landmark case less important, anniversary observances have devolved into fact-free spectacles that have less to do with abortion than with raising money for advocacy groups on both sides.
He really wanted to work in a verbatim “both sides do it,” but every time he saw it typed out he started tittering uncontrollably Beavis-style.
The gruesome photos of fetuses and the guys in Grim Reaper costumes will be out, as usual, for Monday’s “March for Life,” which, according to the organizers, will “follow its customary route.” The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, piggybacking on the March, has a National Prayer Vigil on Sunday. Not to be outdone, the Archdiocese of Washington has a “Youth Rally and Mass for Life” planned for Monday, which shouldn’t be confused with the March organizers’ own “Youth Rally” on Saturday. The “Rose Dinner” (tickets $100 at the door) is Monday night (“DONATE NOW” it says near the top of the March’s Web site).
I’m second only to a teenager trying to make her way through a Planned Parenthood linked-arm blockade in my hatred for these people, but hell, at least they’re living in accordance with their principles. It’d be too much to say I respect them for it, but it’s certainly a more defensible use of one’s time than writing an opinion column which decries people for being so gauche as to have an opinion. You know what principles are, right, Milbank? No, not the outstanding balance on a loan, that’s different. No, not “like Mr. Weatherbee,” that’s not even spelled the sa… never mind, forget I asked.
Operation Rescue is participating in a Students for Life of America National Youth Conference in North Bethesda on Sunday, although this would appear to conflict with the Annual Charismatic Episcopal Church for Life Youth Rally in Washington. The president of Americans United for Life will be having breakfast with reporters on Friday, and the Family Research Council is staging “the premier conference for the online pro-life community” on Monday (“donate today”!).
Boy, to hear you tell it, it sounds like Pro-Lifers are really bringing out the big guns. It would be terribly unseemly for their opponents to bring a knife to that fight, they’d better stick with the little red applicator that comes with Crackers ‘n Cheez Handi-Snacks.
On the other side, the National Organization for Women is having its Supreme Court Vigil (“bring your Keep Abortion Legal NOW rounds and battery-operated candles”) on Monday. NARAL Pro-Choice America has called Jan. 22 “Blog for Choice Day,” and has scheduled its “Roe v. Wade 39th Anniversary Dinner” for Jan. 26. If you buy a “power table” at the dinner for a mere $15,000, you’ll get to hear “Curb Your Enthusiasm’s” Susie Essman, known for her “hilarious bouts of withering sarcasm and uninhibited insults.”
Blogging and overpaying for a stand-up set. You radical feminazi Mussolesbians, you’ve become the very monsters you proclaim to fight!
Seriously, when you’re trying to paint a false equivalence, shouldn’t you at least, uh, try to paint a false equivalence? This isn’t even “both sides do it,” this is “both sides do stuff.”
Here’s an uninhibited insult that the professional “life” and “choice” agitators can listen to for free:
Ooh, Milbank’s so worked-up he’s adopting a tough guy persona!
Bitch please, I’ve got upper-body strength in accordance with second-trimester development and even I could make your candy ass flinch; one of those NARAL chicks would chase you up a tree with no more than a glint off her nose ring.
If these groups cared as much about the issue as they claim, and didn’t have such strong financial incentives to avoid consensus and compromise, they’d cancel the carnivals and get to work on the one thing everybody agrees would be worthwhile — reducing unwanted pregnancies.
Consensus and compromise. Ladies, when are you just going to accept that men should have half the say over your reproductive choices? It’s not autonomy, it’s autono-our!
About those financial incentives: I’m not sure anyone’s living high on the hog with those massive $50 private donations rolling in, but there is the issue of abortion providers’ ersatz monopolies. I propose fringe elements on both sides stop assassinating doctors.
If the “life” marchers really wanted fewer abortions, they would stop throwing obstacles in the way of birth control and make sure it’s cheaply provided as part of preventive care and not blocked by “conscience clauses.” By resisting easy birth control, and by opposing comprehensive sex education, they’re essentially increasing abortion rates.
You might want to hold off on your next paragraph, let that one sink in for a sec and and mull over what you’ve inadvert…
If the “choice” rally participants really wanted to preserve legal abortion, they’d be wise to drop the sky-is-falling warnings about Roe and to acknowledge that the other side, and most Americans, have legitimate concerns. Not every compromise means a slippery slope to the back alley.
I’ll admit, choosing the motto “Take your legitimate concern and stick it, most Americans!” was a PR misstep for EMILY’s List.
But this is no time for reason; this is time for collecting donations. At the Press Club, abortion provider Hoffman gave a full-throated defense of her own abortion (“I had committed myself to my work” and didn’t want to be “diverted”), coupled with dire warnings about the future of legal abortion (“relentless attacks . . . will be impossible”). Hoffman likened her defense of the procedure to Martin Luther’s 95 Theses. “Abortion is a life-affirming act,” she said, and “abortion is often the most moral choice.”
One media-unsavvy alarmist versus the entire Republican Party, a sizable portion of the Democratic Party, and the full force of America’s religious infrastructure. Knock it off back there you two, I’ll turn this car right around!
Abortion as a “most moral” and “life-affirming” choice? It’s beginning to feel a lot like Roe week in Washington. (Donate now.)
So not spongeworthy, this guy.
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Categories: News • Politics • Editorials • Our Stupid Media •
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