You might be a racist if…

Nothing stirs up the PU-m-asses like a suggestion that their irrational antipathy toward Senator Obama might be rooted in racism. Now, I realize not all PUMAs are racists. Some are merely whiny sore losers who are too dumb to realize another four years of disastrous GOP rule is too high a price to pay to assuage their hurt fee-wings.

Others appear to be borderline personality disorder types who bonded with Senator Clinton to such an unhealthy degree that she might consider extending Secret Service protection to any pet rabbits inhabiting the Clinton household. Still others are GOP operatives playing the first two categories for chumps.

But no matter which subset they fall into, there’s a reason the subject of racism comes up when PUMA rears its butt-ugly head: Some notable PUMAs appear to be motivated by racism, and the rest blithely tolerate it. For those who are genuinely confused, here’s a Jeff Fox-worthy guide (thanks, K):

YOU MIGHT BE A RACIST IF…

You cheered Harriet Christian’s incoherent rant at the DNC meeting, in which she chastised the assembled party leaders for nominating an “inadequate black male.” If you linked approvingly to her vid (what PUMA blog didn’t?)  and have no problem with her throwing the qualifier “black” into the mix, you must think Obama’s skin color is relevant to his qualifications. Guess what? That means you’re a racist.

You refer to Obama as the “Affirmative Action” candidate. Sure, you might use the excuse that you just think he’s under-qualified. Nothing inherently wrong with that sentiment. But if you extol the virtues of Hillary Clinton, who actually has less total legislative experience than Obama, if you had nothing at all to say about the qualifications of John Edwards, a former one-term Senator, it’s reasonable to wonder why you’re suddenly so concerned with Obama’s experience. And why bring up the Affirmative Action bugaboo like a Limbaugh-trained Dittohead? Sounds like it could be a race thing.

You have no problem with racist snobs speaking for your cause. For example, is it okay with you that one of your TV spokeswomen’s prior claim to fame was impersonating a 67-year-old black woman on the internets as part of a larger effort to forestall an invasion of dusky Sally Hemings descendents at her lily-white Monticello Association gathering? You’ve got no problem with that? Well, you just might be a racist.

You honestly can’t see anything wrong with Bill Clinton conflating Jesse Jackson’s South Carolina primary victory with Obama’s or Hillary Clinton’s boast about having the support of “hard-working Americans, white Americans.” Now, I’m not suggesting that either Clinton is a racist. I personally don’t think they are. But they were engaged in some mighty slick race-based dog-whistling at various times. If you can’t see that, you’re either so accustomed to the marginalization of African American achievements that denigrating comments just sail right over your head or you’re so very, very naïve that you shouldn’t leave home without an armed escort. (If the latter, please contact me immediately about some incredibly valuable waterfront land opportunities here in Florida. Only $2,000 an acre—and a mere 2 feet to the surface!)

And finally, if you make common cause with racist assholes like your fellow PUMAs outed here, here, here, here and here without telling them to shut their bigoted pie holes, you might be a racist.

So, PUMAs, how’d you do? Are you a racist? If so, remember, as they say at Just Say No Deal, if you thought you were alone, you’re wrong. The PUMA posse might be pathetically small, and I foresee a huge catfight once you chumps realize Murphy and Bower punked you for donations that won’t retire Hillary’s debt, hire a single bus to haul your ass to Denver or produce a film my 5th grader couldn’t top with a web cam production featuring an all-dog cast. It might get pretty ugly.
But there’s no need to fret about the loss of a like-minded community once the last PUMA hairball has been coughed up. If you’re motivated by racism or merely undisturbed by it as so many of your fellow PUMAs are, just google “wh*te power,” and you’ll find more friends than you can shake a stick at.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 08/15/08 at 04:57 PM • Permalink

You might be a racist if you call Michelle Obama an ape, but not because she’s black (because of how she behaves).

We have to learn that politicians hide a lot of dark secrets in their black souls… You could probably find a political issue in every alcohol rehab center. Many of them seem to be clean people although that is only an outside feature, inside not included in the package… Hope you understand what I’m saying here… be cautious when choosing your politicians.

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