Your Sexxxytime-Obsessed GOP Primary
Things are hotting up out there as Mitt “Captain Inevitable” Romney plows on toward a primary victory that will no doubt prove as pyrrhic as it will be indecisive.
The routine decrying of President Obama as a godless Manchurian Candidate obviously has some legs as a campaign strategy to placate the base, but Mitt’s wife Ann decided to raise the stakes with a double entendre worthy of Benny Hill:
Ann Romney’s remarks came during an interview with Baltimore radio station WBAL, during which the host asked her, “And one of the things, Ann Romney, that folks talk about with your husband, Mitt Romney, and I’ve seen him in casual conversation-He comes off very smooth and okay. But sometimes he comes off stiff. Do you have to fight back some criticism, like ‘My husband isn’t stiff, OK?’”
Laughing, Ann Romney responded, “Well, you know, I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out because he is not!”
Leaving her listeners feverishly trying to fight off the nausea and work out whether she’d just complimented her husband or cast deep aspersions on his virility, she swept on to praise his wit and sense of fun, but we’ve seen plenty of evidence of that already—like Herman Cain (allegedly no stranger to sexxxytime himself) before him, Mitt really needs to have a clown horn permanently attached so that people can be cued to roar along with him when he cracks wise with a “Corporations are people too,” or “I’m currently unemployed,” or a “my wife drives two Cadillacs” rather than tut-tutting like po-faced scolds because liberals are so famously humorless.
This came hard on the heels of would-be contender Rick “Saucy” Santorum’s own recent contribution to imagery you don’t want to revisit when you close your eyes as he continued the GOP’s cargo cult reenactment of the 2008 Democratic primary contest with an old, old favorite:
Even as Romney looked ever more likely to win the nomination, chief rival Rick Santorum said he would not give up just because the Republican party establishment believed voters “need Mitt Romney shoved down their throats.”
This was widely reported on RW sites, exciting many contributions in the comments detailing exactly what representatives of the Republican base would not like to have shoved down their throats, thank you very much, inciting Ricky to resort to mime to clarify his point.
And now, oh boy, now Romney chief surrogate Donald “Flasher” Trump wants to join in the GOP group grope. With a startling bid that beefed up the already disturbing prevalence of Google search results for “Trump penis” to approaching the 2.5 million mark, he offered to flash Gloria Allred. For a price, no doubt. He’s supposed to be a businessman, after all:
Business mogul Donald Trump on Tuesday declared that celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred would be “very, very impressed” with his genitals after she suggested that he should prove he was a “naturally born man” because a transgender model was barred from competing in one of his beauty contests.
Calling in to TMZ Live on Tuesday, Trump immediately bragged about his manhood.
“I think that Gloria would be very, very, very impressed with [my penis],” Trump told TMZ’s Harvey Levin. “I think she would have a whole brand new image of Donald Trump.”
Hold the popcorn, get me brain bleach STAT. Only a desire to avoid further compromising Rumproast’s absolutely appalling Net Nanny rating has restrained me from posting a mock-up of Flasher Donald’s tackle involving two no. 8 wingnuts, a baby carrot, and that infamous combover. Well, that and the fact that it’s teatime here soon. OK, two considerations have restrained me from posting a mock-up ... I’ll come in again.
I believe there have been some other references to sexual activity during the course of the campaign so far, but the details escape me. Anyway, expect more of this as the pace hots up and the sap rises with the coming of spring. They just can’t help themselves.