This is the last time I’ll talk about Komen, pinky-swear. It’s just so nice to not lose for once, plus I’m still bummed I never got to use the post title “Ayes Up Here.”
The KFC* Backle-Down Planned-wich
Ingredients
2 breaded chicken breasts
1 egg
1 tbsp. mayonnaise, salted
3 strips bacon, twisted into “awareness ribbon” shapes
1/3 cup shredded mozzarella
1/4 cup crushed tortilla chips
Deep-fry chicken breasts. Cook bacon in skillet. Mix egg with salted mayonnaise, then scramble the living hell out of it.
Top egg/mayo mixture with shredded mozzarella and crushed tortilla chips, because Catholicism! Add bacon and place between chicken breasts. Offer to guests, then retract offer, then, when they raise a stink, give it back. Shoo pets out of room; guests might go a little crazy with the victory laps.
Side note: When the real word’s “cumin,” a “Komen” joke in a fake recipe is defused somewhat, I’ve found.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “that’s the most disgusting sandwich I’ve ever heard of, and it sounds incredibly unhealthy to boot.” Well, first off, It should be noted that mine’s more nutritious than the actual thing. Second, there’s no need to fear the damage it might do to your heart and other organs; simply read this Kathleen Parker column after eating, and voilà! That’s onomatopoeia, not French.
Two of the top news stories this week have revolved around reproductive rights, though both raise far more troubling issues than a woman’s right to contraception or abortion.
See? That opening line alone’s enough to make me voilà my guts out.
Or maybe not, we’ll see. It’s not like we weren’t going to have to go through this rigamarole again next year anyway, especially with people like this around and my proposed “Yeah, but C’mon, Have You Listened to these Assholes?” amendment to the Bill of Rights seemingly stalled in congress. Do-nothings!
The abortion giant thinks it is above the law even though it is under criminal investigation for many, many good reasons — it has defrauded Medicaid to the tune of millions of dollars and has been caught on tape telling 13- and 14-year-olds how to get abortions after being impregnated by men in their 30s and telling pimps how to get secret abortions for young girls who are being used for sex trafficking.
I like how she manages to perpetuate the O’Keefe garbage (she does have a BS in psychology, after all) and imply that there’s something monstrous about helping a barely-pubescent girl terminate a pregancy that resulted from one of those oh-so-common totally consensual relationships thirtysomething men are always getting into with seventh-graders. Ah, those May-ephebophile romances.
And not for nothing—I know it’s considered a modern classic, but I found The Abortion Giant to be maudlin and manipulative, Vin Diesel’s surprisingly tender voicework aside.
She lies, Komen, better hide your… okay, that one’s a stretch.
The Washington Post blows strikes a blow for equality. I mean hey, they’re publishing garbage like this about men now, that’s progress, right?
For most of us, I suspect, the answer would have been different than Santorum’s from the start. If we had a child with a typically fatal genetic disorder, we would forgo the 99 Iowa counties’ worth of Pizza Ranches and the incessant blur of town-hall meetings, and stay home.
Ruth Marcus’s place is in the kitchen. Not because she’s a woman, because that’s the room which affords the most opportunities for her laptop to get shorted out before she can hit “save.”
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/01/12 at 07:37 PM
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Your mission, should you choose to accept it: humorously analogize something that itself sounds like a humorous analogy. Sure, it’s easy to say “Newt Gingrich talking about family values is like Abe Foxman writing about the Muslim Brotherhood,” but what do you do when Abe Foxman writes about the Muslim Brotherhood? Well, hotshot? What. Do. You. Do.
Entries will be judged by, uh, criteria. Winner gets to be the target of a boycott over something anodyne they said about the financial sector.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 02/01/12 at 04:06 PM
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Eerie, right? A simple rule of thumb for telling them apart: one is a soulless bloodsucker whose nebbishy exterior belies his mission to spread evil, pestilence, and death; the other one’s Michael Gerson, and he’s also pretty terrible.
Here’s the newest volley from Radio RWaPo (“It’s not hate speech when white men wearing neckties say it”), and just in time! No use fomenting resentment and distrust among the populace after the election.
Serving the poor and healing the sick are regarded as secular pursuits — a determination that would have surprised Christianity’s founder.
See, this is why Gerson’s on the op-ed page and the rest of you schmucks are slaving away in the “On Faith” section. A lesser propagandist would’ve claimed explicitly that Jesus invented altruism and that non-Christians can be charitable only in the sense that dogs can stand on their hind legs, but Gerson knows how to imply it.
Hmm. Blockquoting isn’t terribly satisfying for some reason, maybe because it ignores Gerson’s long history in Washington power circles, and that context seems relevant. I’ve got a better idea, lemme try something:
“Both radicalism and maliciousness are at work in Obama’s decision — an edict delivered with a sneer,” wrote the former chief speechwriter for George W. Bush.
Hey, whatcha havin’ for breakfast? Ooh, an omelette, sounds delish. I’ve heard that making one of those requires certain sacrifices that could be considered controversial, so count yourself lucky that chickens haven’t established a religious organization that wields political sway out of accordance with its role in a pluralistic society, else you’d have to settle for a bowl of Chex.
Sentient smirk Dana Milbank wishes you shrill broads would tone it down a little, please. Your baseless ranting’s distracting him from the important work of being an above-it-all dipshit.
Looks like Lee “The Real Cyberbullying Victim” Siegel, beloved by sockpuppets of Lee Siegel everywhere, has decided to be our son of a bitch this cycle. NOBODY DISAGREE WITH HIM IN COMMENTS, dude turns on a dime.
I’m not sure how I feel about the Kool Kidz Kharacter Assassin Klub training their Bic blowguns on the Republican for once. I guess it’s a nice change of pace, but I’d like to think we can beat the Romplicant without the beltway hierarchy enforcers softening him up with their usual multi-pronged assault of note-passing and furtive whispers. Plus I worry about sustainability—this bunch tends toward knee-jerk contrarianism, and after a few more months of tittering behind See-Creepio’s back about how totes uncool he is, I can easily see Maureen Dowd developing a crush on him purely for backlash’s sake, and then we’d be right back in Obambiville.
Thank God Perry flamed out. Alpha-jock fauxthenticity rolls off that guy in waves; 2012 would’ve been a steady stream of editorials that boil down to “Do you like me? Check Y/N”
sent from my iHatethesepeople
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/15/12 at 09:39 AM
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To see Romney, in his Gap jeans, laughing awkwardly at his own jokes and making patently disingenuous claims, brings back all those bad memories of 2000: “Love Story.” Inventing the Internet. Earth tones. Three-button suits. The alpha male in cowboy boots. The iced-tea defense. The Buddhist temple. The sighing during the debate.
OH MY GOD HE’S STILL BITCHING ABOUT WHAT A LOSER GORE IS. I knew Milbank was an asshole, but I didn’t realize this level of petty spite was even possible. And I’m drawing a blank on half those memes, should I know what the hell the “iced-tea defense” is? Or is that the sort of detail you’d forget if you had better things to do than sit around stewing for 11+ years about how totally lame it was that your boss made you ride the same bus with that gaywad? This guy’s “reporter’s notebook” must be a Trapper Keeper.
I’ve got plenty to say about this but can’t at the moment, so while I’m waiting for everyone else to leave the room, I’ll pass to Jon Soltz:
There are no words to express my disgust at the video making the rounds today, of U.S. Marines apparently urinating on the dead bodies of the Taliban. As an Iraq War veteran who works with Iraq and Afghanistan veterans every day, I can truthfully say that the Marines in the video have undermined everything that I and those who served with me tried to do.
Hey everybody, Meryl Streep’s portrayal of Margaret Thatcher has a column at the Washington Post now.
The left blogosphere, straining to gain the grateful acknowledgment of the White House, remind one of school boys who have just learned a naughty word. They chatter among themselves, whispering it back and forth, each time convinced they are more clever than the previous utterance. In this case the naughty word is “profit.” Ooh, the Bain prospectus uses “profit.”Did you hear Mitt Romney laugh when he said the business was all about “profit”! But like many an errant school boy, they neither understand what they are saying nor are the first to discover the word.
It’s all for you, libtard!
Oh, it’s actually Jennifer Rubin, my mistake. Didn’t see the little banner up top there. I wonder why the caricaturist drew her with an orange rind in her mouth.
I guess conservative pundits’re still going the “preposterously stilted” stylistic route, huh? Using “one” as a pronoun sans irony and so forth? Uh, okay. I mean, I imagine there are more coveted demographics than “foppish dandy 25-54,” but hey, don’t let me tell you who to pander to. To whom one must pander?
Anyway, Jen, since you’ve got your finger on the pulse of the electorate—truly, if there’s one issue that unites us as a nation it’s our lack of patience for errant schoolboys—what would you say is the current state of Americans’ gettingitness?
They get it, even if the media elite doesn’t.
Lefty bloggers are the media elite, see, I know because a paid Washington Post op-ed contributor told me. So hey, fortysomething civics nerd with a fifth-floor walk-up and some nervous energy left over once you’ve cleared your docket of freelance copyediting assignments, next time you’re in the Hamptons hobnobbing with the glitterati, knock it off with the chattering and straining to gain grateful acknowledgment and shit. Such displays remind one of AC/DC’s lead guitarist.
giggity giggity goo
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/12/12 at 11:04 AM
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Start your day off with a brisk bout of GAH, courtesy of My First Newspaper:
Faith also reminded Patriots such as Henry that the American people needed virtue to channel their freedom into moral purposes.
Fun fact: USA Today doesn’t have an editorial board, their op-eds are written with the use of Super Cloying Mad Libs Volume 2. “Freedom also reminded virtuosos such as Henry that the American people needed patriotism to channel their morals into faithful purposes,” “Patriotism also reminded moralists such as Henry that the American people needed faith to channel their freedom into virtual purposes,” etc.
Anyway, get the hell up and enjoy the Indian summer before God takes it back like some kind of giving-a-gift-and-then-taking-it-back type person.
George Michael and to a lesser degree Fred Durst speak for me
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/07/12 at 09:47 AM
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I’m not sure what annoys me most about this piece. Is it the musta-pulled-something stretch it took to straightfacedly compare the positions of, on one side, Paul Krugman,Sherrod Brown, and Pete Stark, and on the other, some Tea Party jagoff?
Or maybe it’s this:
In contrast, Mitt Romney, who knows something about health care legislation, welcomed the Ryan-Wyden proposal, which is not too far removed from a Medicare reform plan the former Massachusetts Governor had put forward earlier, as “an enormous achievement.”
Why yes, of course the voice of bipartisan reason, the healing center, the maypole we can dance around nonidealogically just happens to be the once and probably future leading contender for the Republican presidential nomination. Christ, I haven’t seen false equivalence pay off like that since the mirror scene in Evil Dead II.
above: anti-elitist champion of common man prepares to smash system
Hey, you guys ever hear of Lynn Forester de Rothschild? No? Yeah, didn’t think so. Anyway, she’s got a piece up on the Huffington Post. It’s well worth your time, assuming you don’t have a finite amount of it on earth.
The words of Irish poet William Butler Yeats in his poem, The Second Coming, have an eerie resonance for American politics today. “Things fall apart; the center cannot hold… The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity. Surely some revelation is at hand.”
Oh yeah, The Second Coming, love that one. It’s funny, I remember when I was in high school, that was the poem that proved poetry could be cool; problem is, it’s also the poem that every jackass thinks has an “eerie resonance” for whatever’s on their mind, young me especially. It wasn’t until I saw Ed Harris’s character quoting it in that “Stephen King’s The Stand” miniseries that I realized it’s the go-to poem for dumb people who wanna play at being dark and edgy (again, young me especially), kinda like how everyone reads that Robert Frost poem and identifies with the iconoclastic protagonist. I mean seriously, guys, does it seem likely that all of you took the path less taken? Because if we’re giving weight to self-reportage that’s the well-trod one at this point. I shudder to think how many people put that down as their yearbook quote just a few months before going off to pursue a business degree.
Anyway.
In an environment of unprecedented political gridlock in Washington and broad-based dissatisfaction with the leading candidates of both parties, 2012 may finally be the year when an independent candidate becomes president of the United States. For the first time in our nation’s history, popular dissatisfaction with both parties is reinforced by the existence of serious bipartisan organizations that will facilitate the effort of a non-aligned national figure to become president. Because of these two factors, the opportunity to mobilize what Tom Friedman calls “the radical center” has never been greater. Indeed, “some revelation is at hand”.
I’m all for nontraditional interpretation, but I gotta say, Lynn, you might be the first person in history to read that line as “good news, everyone!”
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