Thanks, kid, but you must be thinking of someone else, I wasn’t on “Cheers.”
Well, Parker’s home and recuperating from surgery, and I still can’t use my dominant hand for more than a few minutes at a time (to answer the obvious question, no, I did not have my Rollerblading accident prior to drawing that Geraldo Rivera cartoon, and to answer the other obvious question, no, Parker wasn’t with me when I ate it; our injuries are unrelated, not that I’m entirely guilt-free as regards his tripedalism). But the internet craves content, and this hilarious story (note: the Onion AV Club is not a satirical site) gives me a thin excuse to repost something I wrote a few years ago, back when I didn’t have a platform and toiled away in obscurity. Bush was president then, though, so don’t get all nostalgic for the good ol’ days.
Mel Gibson: Chemical Interactions
Alcohol: Belligerent anti-Semitism
Absinthe: Belligerent anti-Sem… whoa. Get. The fuck. Out.
Lithium: An even keel but a sneaking suspicion that he’s just not Mel without the anti-Semitism
LSD: Incense and anti-Semitismints the color of time
Peyote: His vision-quest spirit guide isn’t a Jew, is it? Dingos can’t be Jewish, right?
Isoflourine: Comforting sense that the Jewish problem will work itself out somehow
Odor particles, own feces: Preening self-satisfaction, conflation of identity with that of heroes portrayed, plus he just likes the smell
Exhaust fumes: A perfectly serviceable Aussie B-movie (add mohawk dander to increase awesomeness quotient tenfold)
Tina Turner, whose charisma should be regulated as a controlled substance: Trapeze fights? The fuck?
Mennen Aftershave: GrrraaaAAARRGH! (pounds sink with fist, hyperventilates through clenched teeth, stares wildly at self in mirror)
Zyklon B: Belated acceptance of its existence/lethality
This damning exposé by Big Rump editor-at-large Gil Mann is getting worse all the time!
Sounds like somebody knocked over a can of Colt 45, but that’s not what it is. It is, rather, the sound of a steady leak of damaging allegations. And no matter how much enablers in the MSM try to pretend otherwise, THE TRUTH will eventually pool on the tile, and if you’re walking around in your socks, THE TRUTH will out and might give you trench foot if you ignore it.
I told you that shocking clip I released earlier was just the beginning, and… what? I didn’t? Oh crap, that’s right, I meant to crib Shapiro’s last two graphs but only copy-pasted the penultimate one. My co-bloggers told me they fixed it! I trusted them to fix it! It’s not my fault!
Hello, what have we here? A BLACK MAN GIVING SOMEONE OR SOMETHING A HUG THAT’S WHAT.
THE TRUTH. Outs every time.
This is all far from over, assuming I can locate a clip of Tim Meadows’s “Handsome Black Man” sketch. Otherwise yeah, it’s over. I already wasted countless hours trying to find something useful from Starsky and Hutch, but talk about a misnomer—that pimp never hugs a soul, much less David.
TERRORIST TORSO-BUMP? Big Rump editor-at-large Gil Mann reveals exclusive footage of black person engaged in “hugging.”
The novel: 496 pages. The film: 2 hours and 21 minutes. SELECTIVELY EDITED MUCH?
The MSM would have you believe this isn’t a bombshell revelation, and okay, technically I guess that would better describe Roberts’s breakout role in Mystic Pizza, but still, check out those gams!
And where we are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in three simple words—“pel I can.”
Here’s what we’d be opening our hearts and minds to: this is a man who posited that the civil rights movement was too moderate because it accepted the status quo. This is a man so extreme that, as we’ve reported, he posited that white Americans would sell black Americans into slavery to aliens to relieve the national debt, and that Jews would go along with it. That is the plot of Virtuosity, right? I nodded off a couple times.
Whenever the culture wars take center stage, I start seeing closet cases under every bed (in those storage bins that slide out, so they’re still in something closetlike). It just wraps a moral scold’s whole deal up in a nice little package, y’know? But that’s too reductionist, and it’s not like there’s anything inherently wrong with being a big huge queen, and yet some images won’t be denied their due, so with my apologies to Michael Medved and his, I’m sure, more than satisfied wife, here he is trying to resist going to town on an ersatz cock.
Sorry, had to get that out of the way. Okay, so his review of the Oscars is here, and long story short, he did not like that dog-licking-its-balls joke, not one bit, mister, but he found the night overall heartening for conservatives. Because they’re Francophiles, ‘member? Anyway, he’s apparently never heard an acceptance speech before, he thinks thanking your spouse along with the cast and crew is a) rare and b) like voting for Prop 8.
Yes, I do have a complete set of Lord of the Rings Pez dispensers. Make of that what you will.
Is it sneezy where you live? Down here in my part of Florida, the oak pollen is sky high, and there’s been a run on Claritin at the local pharmacy.
Also, I think this guy [WARNING: YouTube link to wildly viral vid of dad who shot his daughter’s laptop because she slagged him on Facebook] is a dick. I have a pain-in-the-arse teen myself, so I get the frustration. But I can’t stand a petulant, macho-shithead gun-fondler, and that’s how this dude comes across. Donate the goddamn laptop to the local homeless shelter next time, asshole!
Former Republican congressman and libertarian hero Bob Barr takes aim at gun control advocates:
Of course, the media often reports on violent crime, which aides anti-gun politicians in their never-ending crusade against firearm rights. After all, bad and salacious news sells. The facts, however, tell another story. According to a seminal study published in the mid-1990s by Gary Kleck and Marc Gertz, firearms are used in self-defense about 2.5 million times each year in this country.
Unfortunately, news stories that feature law-biding citizens using firearms to fend off attackers often either go unreported or wind up buried in the back pages of newspapers.
Then, in a spectacular display of “who ya gonna believe, me or your lyin’ eyes?” he goes on to state a blatant untruth about one such incident:
The controversy over who shot first, Greedo or Han Solo, in ‘Episode IV,’ what I did was try to clean up the confusion, but obviously it upset people because they wanted Solo [who seemed to be the one who shot first in the original] to be a cold-blooded killer, but he actually isn’t. It had been done in all close-ups and it was confusing about who did what to whom. I put a little wider shot in there that made it clear that Greedo is the one who shot first, but everyone wanted to think that Han shot first, because they wanted to think that he actually just gunned him down.
Imagine the contempt he must have for his audience to be so brazenly disingenu… hold on, I think I got my notes mixed up.
Fight back against the War on Friday the 13th by keeping the Jason in Jason Lives! Report to Drill Sergeant Final Girl for your training. C’mon, she worked so hard putting together the kyllabus.
SCHEDULING NOTE: I’m not sure how many (if any) people who know me IRL read this blog, but if you’re out there, I will be watching Friday the 13th 3D tonight from approximately 9pm to 10:35pm. Any non-emergency phone calls made during that time will result in some sort of weapon or garden implement coming RIGHT AT YOU. You wouldn’t want to know me IRD, would you? Hell, you’re getting the short end of the stick as it is. The stick that will be coming RIGHT AT YOU.
All you poli-sci dorks who don’t overlap Vennwise with horror geeks, feel free to assume the post title refers to this.
I realize most people would rather let 2011 quietly slip into the mists of memory and get on with life, but you’ll pardon me for taking a hangin’s-too-good-for-it stance; it really was a bastard of a year. In the spirit of very much letting the door hit the old sash-wearing cretin in the ass on his way out, I humbly submit my choice for Worst Of the 2011 Best Ofs. I haven’t actually read any other 2011 Best Ofs, but I can’t imagine I’d find a worthy challenger if I did.
Trailer for the upcoming HBO film “Game Change,” which is based on the book by John Heilemann and Mark “Dick” Halperin:
From that snippet, it appears Ed Harris pulls off McCain’s trademark peevish, constipated affect to a tee. Julianne Moore perhaps lacks the vocal range to accurately mimic Palin’s home fire alarm-speaking voice, but in that clip at least, she nails the verbal cadence, and kudos must go to the hair, wardrobe and make-up peeps.
I read the book when it came out a couple of years ago. The most revealing insights it provided were perhaps unintentional, as it was a window into the obsessive tabloid mindset with which our stupid media has so debased coverage of US politics. But for that reason, it’ll probably make an entertaining movie.
Hey, I just realized I can use this blogging software for something besides trying to feel better about myself by mocking others. I can also use it to point people in the direction of a thing I enjoyed, in the hopes that they too will enjoy it and then do something enjoyable for someone else, like in that movie “Play it, Forward,” which I guess was about basketball.
Atlas Shrugged Part I desperately wants to be a genuine Hollywood movie, just as badly as Christian filmmakers want to replicate the look, feel, and production values of their godless would-be peers/cultural enemies. It proves just as unsuccessful, yet Atlas Shrugged: Part I gets close enough for its efforts to be poignant, comic, and a little pathetic.
Read it more for the comments than the article. And speaking of skipping articles, a sample:
Me late to thread, me know, but Heche completely wrong. By every metric - GNP, unemployment, median wages - US economy better off day before Pearl Harbor than it was day before stock market crash. New Deal not only got us out of Depression, it also set stage for incredible prosperity that follow WWII, and anyone who claim otherwise willfully ignoring facts to play politics.
By the way, I just found out that Gonzo lives here in Hoboken, I assume because of the Chicken Emergency. You’d think the brochure’d make a bigger deal out of that, I mean, fuck Sinatra.
Every year around this time we gather all of the kids in front of their newfangled monitor screen thingees to enjoy Rumproast founder Kevin’s captivating, one-millisecond-long performance (more “insider” details here) in Quentin Tarantino & Robert Rodriguez’s film Grindhouse. Enjoy (unless you don’t like gore—you’ve been warned) and happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
Yeah, I know the Farrellys are behind this. But other than Lenny or Chaplin, when was the last time you didn’t wince at watching a contemporary actor try to recreate classic shtick that’s already perfected in memory? (Man on the Moon, anyone?)
And just in case you were holding out hope that this would be a respectably earnest biopic dramatizing the off-screen lives of the Howard boys and Larry Fine, the IMDB plot synopsis suggests you’re going to be deeply disappointed:
While trying to save their childhood orphanage, Moe, Larry, and Curly inadvertently stumble into a murder plot and wind up starring in a reality TV show.
Sounds like The Blues Brothers meets Hollywoodland in a handbasket to Hell’s Kitchen.
Nothing makes my sap quicken like a good, old-fashioned story about three gals, a mountain and a pipeline that never got built.
Nonetheless, I’m SOOOO glad I didn’t donate a hundred bucks to SarahPAC for a $23 DVD that went on sale today for 44% off at Walmart...especially since it seems like a lot of Sarah fans who paid the big bucks months ago only got their copies yesterday:
I got my copy yesterday in the mail from SarahPAC. It was like Christmas.
I got my DVD yesterday. I heard that great chat with Todd and Bannon last night. He knows how to talk without any stumbles or mumbles. It’s great to have such an unassuming guy who is not at all afraid of making the facts crystal clear about history and his complete support of Sarah Palin and their family.
Run Sarah Run!
I paid $100 to receive my DVD one day before Wal-Mart. I hope that Sarah gets in… after waiting so long for my DVD.
I guess you really can’t destroy an American spirit…or the undead hopes of zombie fans who know for a fact that Snooki is running, precisely because she’s not.