Watch the cornfest livestream at America’s Center for Ijitprop. Will Gary Johnson’s charisma suck all the vitality out of Huntsman? Please submit a list of phrases to get drunk by, since going through this sober would work nerves I haven’t used since I was the bouncer for a drag queen’s dressing room.
Charlie Sheen shares a number of characteristics with the common house cat. Both creatures are attractive, don’t always relieve themselves in the appropriate receptacle and will give you massive amounts of attitude before, during and after they wreck up your shit. Remorse is not in them; That would mean less room for the crazy.*
Sadly, mankind has been deprived of a total melding of the Felix Domesticus/Sheen experience.
This really happened. One year, right after Christmas, my mom decided to drive herself, my little sister and me up to North Carolina to see snow. As native Floridians, my sister and I had never seen snow before. We complained bitterly about this fact, especially during the holidays when all the TV specials featured snowmen, sleigh rides, etc.
This was a very long time ago, back when people drove ugly green station wagons with fake wood paneling. Anyhoo, we had a little dog—a poodle mix of some sort. He was a kind of goldish color, so we named him Butterscotch. But we all called him Scotch.
We couldn’t take Scotch with us since we were staying with dog-phobic relatives in North Carolina. So my mom asked her younger sister to housesit and watch after Scotch. Auntie agreed to do this for us and promised to take good care of our beloved pet:
Today is known as “Boxing Day” in Great Britain, because it is the one day of the year when sewer workers ask the public to place their leftover fat drippings in a box, instead of drizzling them into the kitchen sink or flushing them down the loo.
In Wales, 26 December is observed as “Gŵyl San Steffan,” which celebrates St. Stephen in his traditional role as an itinerant missionary from the Eastern Orthodox Church who converted the Celts to Socialized Medicine and drove the vowels out of Western England.
In the New Testament’s Book of Acts, Stephen is portrayed as the first Prophet of Christ with a Waspy name to be stoned to death by the Jews—which seems pretty much par for the course these days, but was actually rather a novelty in its time.
I apologize for any lapses or ellipses in my description of this venerable British holiday, but this post is my half-assed Christmas present to co-blogger YAFB, and any errors or omissions should be credited to another uniquely Anglo tradition—the “Drop o’ the Craythur”—which is both my Best Friend and my Everlasting Ruin.
After seeing how viciously Kevin K was attacked for posting a Christmas-themed video, I wondered how a holiday-related cross-stitch would fare. Go on, do your worst, godless heathens—make Baby Jesus cry!
Alternatively, we could share cookie recipes. My sister and I are having our annual martini-drinking and cookie-baking party this weekend, which generally starts well but ends in slurred speech and smoke alarms. If you have any recipes that call for fire extinguisher-foam icing, bring ‘em on!
If you can complete the quote, you haven’t being getting into the [ahem] spirit of Repeal Day.
The 21st Amendment
Ratified December 5, 1933
Section 1. The eighteenth article of amendment to the Constitution of the United States is hereby repealed.
Section 2. The transportation or importation into any State, Territory, or possession of the United States for delivery or use there in of intoxicating liquors, in violation of the laws thereof, is hereby prohibited.
Section 3. This article shall be inoperative unless it shall have been ratified as an amendment to the Constitution by conventions in the several States, as provided in the Constitution, within seven years from the date of the submission hereof to the States by the Congress.
Carl Paladino is not a career politician; he just is determined to reenact every self-destructive 30’s movie thug cliché he can squeeze into one campaign season. Here he embraces underage drinkers AND a doofus in blackface, and effortlessly out-Zombies the Halloween revelers at the Buffalo dive where he obviously hoisted more than just his usual own petard.
If there is any comfort to be had tomorrow, it will be waiting for the incomparable concession speech; will it be from the top of a flaming gas tank, or will he pitch headlong into the vast concrete plaza while trying to bat away buzzbombing biplanes of the Fourth Estate? Bonus NSFCFWASD (Civilized Folks With A Sense Of Decency) Tale From The Carl Side Below The Fold!
So the three day weekend is over. And due to certain decisions you don’t recall making, you can’t go to the gym until that bite mark fades. Sorry. Bite marks. Jesus, did you go swimming with snapping turtles or something?
Tracy Bonham, Ruth Ungar And Aoife O’donovan, vocals.
Would it be a good idea to put a bacon-salt rim on a Bloody Mary? Or perhaps throw in a little bit of chipotle? What would be the garnish, a couple of chilis? Come-a cow cow yippee-eye-ay!