Eerie, right? A simple rule of thumb for telling them apart: one is a soulless bloodsucker whose nebbishy exterior belies his mission to spread evil, pestilence, and death; the other one’s Michael Gerson, and he’s also pretty terrible.
Here’s the newest volley from Radio RWaPo (“It’s not hate speech when white men wearing neckties say it”), and just in time! No use fomenting resentment and distrust among the populace after the election.
Serving the poor and healing the sick are regarded as secular pursuits — a determination that would have surprised Christianity’s founder.
See, this is why Gerson’s on the op-ed page and the rest of you schmucks are slaving away in the “On Faith” section. A lesser propagandist would’ve claimed explicitly that Jesus invented altruism and that non-Christians can be charitable only in the sense that dogs can stand on their hind legs, but Gerson knows how to imply it.
Hmm. Blockquoting isn’t terribly satisfying for some reason, maybe because it ignores Gerson’s long history in Washington power circles, and that context seems relevant. I’ve got a better idea, lemme try something:
“Both radicalism and maliciousness are at work in Obama’s decision — an edict delivered with a sneer,” wrote the former chief speechwriter for George W. Bush.
Charles Krauthammer is mad enough to stomp bunnies, a man consumed with the type of bitterness that can only come from being thwarted by putative allies when a cherished goal is in sight. Things were going so well. With an assist from elderly social conservatives in patriot drag,* the GOP had successfully rebranded the economic free fall and debt juggernaut Bush bequeathed to the American people as the consequence of Obama’s “reckless spending, new entitlements and oppressive regulation with higher taxes.”
The GOP’s electoral victories in 2010 put conservative fantasies about tossing old ladies and elderly gents into the maw of the private insurance industry and slashing social programs that serve the poor like Freddy Krueger on a meth binge tantalizingly within reach. And then Gingrich and Perry had to go and fuck everything up.
(RRNN)—Rick Perry dropped out of the 2012 presidential race today and endorsed those kickass muscle relaxers some sketchy dude slipped him before his now-famous Manchester, NH appearance. “I can’t recommend ‘em highly enough, they’re like a space-walk in a Ziploc, man. Oh, you mean for the nomination? I dunno, one of those other pills, I guess,” said the ex-candidate.
The former governor and homunculus borne of George W. Bush’s genetic runoff will return to the place of his creation, What A Bunch Of Clones Laboratories, where he will writhe in agony as his body breaks down on the cellular level at geometrically accelerating speed, intermittently cursing his “father” (head geneticist Stephen Wong) for encumbering him with this cruel mockery of life. His final hours will be spent on the run—after using what remains of his strength to break out of his glass enclosure, he will kidnap Laura Bush and climb to the top of the Wells Fargo Plaza, bleating “I just want what you have, brother!” in something approximating human speech until his teeth and tongue fall out and drop to the street below.
“It was scary but kind of fun too, I guess I needed a little adventure in my life,” the former First Lady will be quoted as saying as she furtively tucks a Ziploc bag into her pocket and steps away from a bubbling puddle of viscous, flesh-colored liquid which was once considered a leading contender for the GOP nomination.
“Did I say ‘so cool?’ I meant cold, so very cold.”
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/19/12 at 01:14 PM
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First of all, I apologize for assuming that you paid any attention to the speeches given by candidates in the New Hampshire Republican primary last night. Hell, most Americans weren’t watching, and practically none of us pay any attention to your elections, even the ones conducted in countries with which we share a border.
Maybe one in 20 of us could name the leaders of our neighboring countries, and a not-insignificant percentage would respond with a blank stare if asked to name those countries. That’s how we roll. But I am assuming that many of you do follow our elections—perhaps in the same spirit that the driver of a Mini Cooper keeps tabs on the movements of a semi-truck that is fish-tailing wildly in the traffic ahead.
Anyhoo, if you did see the speeches, you may have noted that all the candidates agreed on one thing: America is the greatest country in the history of the planet—nay, the galaxy! Nay, the universe! The candidates didn’t deliver this observation in a perfunctory way to scratch their listeners’ patriot-itch: They asserted it and repeated it and returned to it again and again. And most of all, they compared their own bug-eyed devotion to that notion to the president’s and found his pride in his homeland wanting.
From an otherwise excellent profile in the NY Times Magazine:
It wasn’t, in truth, Colbert’s funniest hour
This fascinates me, the ongoing refusal of the beltway media to acknowledge the hit they took. It really is an article of faith to these people that Colbert embarrassed himself that night.
“For 20 years, I’ve been doing things on behalf of the people of Nebraska and putting things off,” he said. “There comes a time when you have to make that decision, do you continue to put things off and do what you’ve been doing?”
~Replace John Hodgman in Apple’s “I’m a Mac” ad campaign; get fired for showing up to shoots dressed in hipster signifiers & agreeing vigorously with Justin Long
~Join PepsiCo Board of Directors, buy world a Coke
~Sell arms to anti-American forces abroad, cite decades-long experience providing ammo to the other side
~Become lobbyist; spend most of his time hanging out at service entrance, because he always does the opposite of what he’s supposed to be doing, see
~Attempt to take down IRS from the inside; unaware that IRS Records and Internal Revenue Service are not the same thing, record surprisingly competent rock/reggae fusion album
~Get job as Wal-Mart greeter, invoke “conscience clause” to avoid saying hello to potential sluts
~Find a way to look even more like Jerry Van Dyke
~Whenever there’s a patch of freshly laid, unhardened cement nearby, “tag” it with side of head, because the dude just loves earmarks
~Belatedly realize “Ask Ben Nelson To Resign” Facebook campaign was most likely started by liberals, run for Senate
~Spend more time undermining his family
UPDATE 10:34pm—I knew I was bitin’ Letterman’s style, but I was like whatever, all my stuff’s ripped off from somebody. Now that I’ve counted the number of items, though, I should probably apologize for making everyone at RRHQ vulnerable to an infringement lawsuit.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 12/28/11 at 09:02 PM
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The Iraq War is over, at least officially. It was, as then-Illinois State Senator Barack Obama said in 2002, a “dumb war:”
I don’t oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war. What I am opposed to is the cynical attempt by Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz and other armchair, weekend warriors in this administration to shove their own ideological agendas down our throats, irrespective of the costs in lives lost and in hardships borne.
The “cost in lives and hardships borne” Mr. Obama accurately predicted is impossible to fully reckon, as is the monetary cost. Well over 100,000 people are needlessly dead, tens of thousands more physically and psychologically scarred for life and around a trillion sorely needed-dollars poured down a rat hole.
How did this happen? There are many reasons, but the short answer is that it was a perfect storm of assholes. It was an event that brought together a small but influential group of arrogant neo-con dick-swingers eager to impose their vision on the world, profit-seeking conglomerates yearning to cash in, a supine media and a nation insane with fear in the wake of the 9/11 attacks.
But none of it would have been possible without the insecure, not-too-bright scion of a prominent political family who was then in the Oval Office and burning to prove to his patrician daddy that he is too smart and capable, not dumb, not like people say. So now we know what happens when Fredo Corleone leapfrogs his smarter brother to become the Godfather—only of a nuclear-armed superpower instead of an organized crime family. Not pretty, is it?
Mr. John Cole nails it regarding this “flawed analysis” by Niall Stanage, who would have us believe that a grueling debate schedule is what’s keeping the 2012 GOP presidential candidates from building sufficient breakout support:
Televised debates have had an outsize impact on this year’s Republican presidential race. But the demands of the debating schedule — Saturday’s event in South Carolina was the eleventh major clash — is taking its toll on the candidates, who find themselves constantly preparing for primetime.
The frequency of the debates cuts back on the time available for retail politicking in Iowa and other early-voting states. Even seasoned campaign veterans are now beginning to ask: How many debates are too many?
Nope. None of the Republican candidates can seal the deal because they accurately reflect what has become the core of the party: crackpots and plutocratic shills. As proof, look no further than the debate audiences and the machinations of those who control the money and public opinion outlets.
So far, the crackpot GOP debate audiences have barked and clapped like trained seals for executions, letting the uninsured die, discrimination against gay soldiers and torture. They represent the worst of this country, our counterpart to hate-and-religion-fueled troglodytes like the Taliban and Iranian mullahs, and while their views are unnervingly widespread, they do not, thankfully, represent the sentiments of the country at large.
Meanwhile, the moneyed interests and their media mouthpieces are busily greasing the skids for Romney, who can be counted upon to follow the long Republican tradition of catering to the needs of the few at the expense of the many. This has jackshit to do with the debate schedule.
In case you missed the GOP debate last night, here’s the Rick Perry implosion:
In a flagrant violation of one of the immutable laws of the universe—the one that decrees that there shall be no coherent, funny or sane comments posted on YouTube, ever—commenter bsphenom gets it about right:
This is the inevitable conclusion of the anti-intellectual and anti-government mentality of the modern Republican Party. We are literally down to complete morons who want to cut things they can’t even name, let alone understand. It’s a modern day version of angry cavemen who want to burn everything down. They have the cultural sophistication of ancient Mongol hordes.
Yep. Perry manages to make one nostalgic for the verbal acuity and intellectual rigor of Sarah H. Palin, who in her turn “made George W. Bush sound like Cicero,” as Republican god-botherer Rod Dreher was once honest enough to note. What happened to slow declines? When empires and great institutions crumble, isn’t it supposed to take awhile?
Anyhoo, I expected to find the GOP debate depressing, and it certainly was disheartening to realize that one of the ignorant buffoons, pandering nitwits or crackpots on that stage will be seriously considered for the leadership of a nuclear-armed superpower. But on the other hand, it’s heartening to imagine any of those silly bastards taking on President Obama in a general election debate.
An MSNBC reporter follows up on yesterday’s news, looking in on several tea partiers they profiled last year to witness the political evolution of the members of this totally spontaneous, diverse, non-Astroturfed group of heartland patriots. Surprisingly, they’re all still older, white Republicans!
Another startling development: They still don’t like President Obama. And they’re not too keen on those smelly Occupy hippies stealing their limelight either. I’m so glad MSNBC saw fit to run this item above the fold. You just can’t find that kind of hard-hitting feature anywhere else.
PS: Erick Son of Erick says that Mitt Romney will be the nominee, which means “conservatism dies and Barack Obama wins.” From your lips to God’s ears, Son of Erick!
At least, that’s what I thought when I read the above headline at the Raw Story. “Oh no!” I thought: If Wrongy McWrongerson has conceded the race to Obama, surely the Republican nominee—even if it’s someone as dumb as Rick Perry, as crazy as Michele Bachmann, as kooky as Ron Paul, as discredited as Newt Gingrich, as priggish as Rick Santorum, as lecherous as Herman Cain, etc.—will emerge victorious in the general election.
But the Raw Story headline is misleading: If you read the Kristol piece, he doesn’t concede the race at all. Rather, he metaphorically exhumes and humps the corpse of national debt-tripler and serial tax-raiser Ronald Reagan and laments that we shall not see the Gipper’s bonny like again. Then he speculates that a lesser GOP mortal might employ the lessons of Bill Clinton or FDR to achieve a less-than-Reaganesque victory. Ho hum.
I’ve always found neocon retread John R. Bolton somewhat fascinating—not only because former President Bush (recess) appointed him US Ambassador to the United Nations after Bolton had explicitly denied the existence of that organization—but because of his weird, carpet-don’t-match-the-curtains cranial hair.
As it turns out, his views on occupations are as contrasting as his forelock and mustache:
Is the Romney camp implying that Rick Perry is a brainless, slack-jawed yokel who would be utterly crushed in a head-to-head match-up with the Kenyan Usurper in this new video? Sin duda, as Romney’s fired leaf-blower might say.
And it’s true—Perry apparently is dumber than a post, unable to outwit a toadstool, incapable of pouring water out of a cowboy boot if the directions were on the heel, etc. But I think old Willard got just a leeetle too excited when it dawned on him just what a babbling halfwit Perry is, and old Willard forgot something kinda important about the constituency he’s attempting to woo: The GOP base doesn’t consider stupid a serious drawback in a candidate.
They went wild over booger-eating moron Sarah Palin. They worship Ronald “Amiable Dunce” Reagan. George “C+ Augustus” Bush anyone? Moreover, the base tends to get riled when some snooty-pants elitist looks down his patrician nose at the abstract-thought impaired. I’m just saying Mittens better watch his ass, if he knows what’s good for him.
Unreliable source Howard Kurtz wrote a piece about the Fox Death Star’s own Darth Vader, who is allegedly leading a broad-based Decrazification Initiative to steer the network brand away from Beckistan. Supposedly this is behind the departure of Beck, the downplaying of Palin and other assorted moves.
It’s Kurtz, so caveat emptor and all of that. But the piece contains an Ailes quote that may have inadvertently revealed the network’s master business model:
“Listen, one out of every 25 people in America is a psychopath.”
Either Ailes meant to say 25 percent of the American people are psychopaths or he underestimates the Crazification Factor significantly. Either way, there’s a lot of soap to be sold.
Well, not really. He’s just wrong as usual, this time combining his uniquely wrong insights about both politics and poetry to accidentally imply that New Jersey’s portly guv is The Beast.
Kristol, who as you may recall was instrumental in foisting kooky bumpkin Sarah Palin on an unsuspecting world, looked upon the current GOP field on display during this week’s debate and was appalled by its kookery and mediocrity. In an editorial entitled “Yikes,” Kristol wrote:
Reading the reactions of thoughtful commentators after the stage emptied, talking with conservative policy types and GOP political operatives later last evening and this morning, we know we’re not alone. Most won’t express publicly just how horrified—or at least how demoralized—they are.
[snip]
The e-mails flooding into our inbox during the evening were less guarded. Early on, we received this missive from a bright young conservative: “I’m watching my first GOP debate…and WE SOUND LIKE CRAZY PEOPLE!!!!” As the evening went on, the craziness receded, and the demoralized comments we received stressed the mediocrity of the field rather than its wackiness.
Not admiring your stitch-work, eh Dr. Frankenstein? My heart. It bleeds for you. Not.
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