Monday, February 06, 2012

This is Daisy, who always rides INSIDE the vehicle at all times. Open thread.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/06/12 at 05:50 PM
Comments (1) • Permalink

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Well played, Mr. Axelrod.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/31/12 at 06:53 AM
Comments (4) • Permalink

Monday, January 30, 2012

You can always count on My First Newspaper for a good human-interest story, and by “human” I mean you can learn a lot about what makes people tick by viewing them through the prism of animal companionship, and by “interest” I mean like in a Chinese curse.

So now there’s going to be a TV series about pet taxidermy, because of course there is, and I’ll tell ya, I’m not all that comfortable with a reality show exploiting a teenager who thinks she’s a better singer than she actually is, much less someone like this:

Brittany had been with Kaufman, 64, when she lost her son, Billy Giger, who died in 1998 and her husband, Howard Sims, in 2004. Letting go when the dog’s time came was going to be hard.

Sounds like her current state of mind’s a few RDAs short of healthy, right? But hey, on the other hand, furniture won’t scratch the furniture, and a stool won’t… okay, I can’t even joke about this.

His basic price is $725 for any pet up to 10 pounds plus $49 for every pound over that.

Imagine how many living animals you could care for with that kind of money! That’s… uh… well, all that’d buy you is a couple cat spays and some flea preventative. Never mind, that’s not the salient point anyway; these people are obviously sick—not sick sick, but clearly grief-stricken to an extent that’s landed them squarely in mental-illnessville. They need help, not a quadrupedal doorstop. Imagine how much therapy you could buy with that kind of… a psychiatrist visit costs what?!

Hmm. Hold on one sec while I do a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation here… (jot jot jot) carry the one… divided by pain... well I’ll be damned, looks like it is I who’s been barking up the wrong tree here.

Parker! C’mere buddy, we gotta talk about how I’m going to cope with your inevitable passing. I’ve been reading about this freeze-drying process, and I think it might be just the answer to…

Hey, you’re not Parker, you’re an iguana or something. How’d you get in here, little lizard dude?

Lemme just get my shoes on and I’ll set you free outside. Then I can get back to discussing end-of-life issues with my d… WAIT A MINUTE.

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/30/12 at 05:28 PM
Comments (4) • Permalink

Sunday, January 29, 2012

[I think there’s a clause in my Balloon Juice contract about pet photos. This one depicts my dog Patsy, who harbors ambitions to become a biped. She loves to belly up to our backyard tiki bar.

You can see the whites of her eyes because she’s scanning the surface of the bar for pretzels without turning her head far enough to lose her balance. Sadly, there were no pretzels. We now return to our regularly scheduled post, already in progress.]

I have a 13-year-old daughter, which is why I don’t scare easily. She can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but she’s a good person in all the important ways. I’m proud of her and also relieved that I’ve thus far avoided the massive karmic blowback my own mother is gleefully awaiting in compensation for the gigantic pain in the ass I gave her. (Knock wood—and yes, I know, I know: Give her time!)

Anyhoo, as many teens do, Young Miss Cracker seeks to assert her originality by emulating the fashion sense and hairstyles of celebrities. This month, it appears to be Rooney Mara in the title role of the film Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Of course, Young Miss has never actually seen that film, and I draw the line at allowing her to get real tattoos or piercings or to wear clothing emblazoned with the word “fuck.”

read the whole post »

Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/29/12 at 09:29 AM
Comments (22) • Permalink

Thursday, January 26, 2012

President Obama got pretty high marks on his SOTU speech from what I’ve read. My dog thought it was a snooze-fest, however:

Or maybe she was dreaming about cavorting on the White House lawn with Bo. (Yes, it IS creepy how her eyes are half open when she sleeps. What is she, Gandalf?)

Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/26/12 at 01:29 PM
Comments (4) • Permalink

As far as I know, not like this, anyway. Huh, “totally natural,” the guy says.Yeah, I’ll see your “totally natural.”  Next up, dogs and cats living together, and the entire Animal Kingdom slides into debauchery, licentiousness, and crude, Euro-style living. I told you those radical social policies wouldn’t work.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 01/26/12 at 07:23 AM
Comments (7) • Permalink

Saturday, January 21, 2012

- - - - - - - - - - - - ACQUIRING NEW TARGETS
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE POWER
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE WOMEN
- - - - - - STAND BY FOR TRANSMISSION OF COORDINATES

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/21/12 at 03:14 PM
Permalink

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Forget Bain—Mitt Romney is mean to dogs. This is old news to us, of course, but many people don’t know about it—yet.

When Romney wins the nomination, the Seamus Incident may dog the Romney campaign, setting in motion a drip-drip-drip effect, much like terror-induced diarrhea leaking from a roof-mounted crate. People will rightly ask themselves: What kind of person does that?

Just as then-candidate Barack Obama had to give a speech on race to quell the furor around the Jeremiah Wright issue, Romney may have to deliver an address to put talk of the Seamus Incident down. Perhaps at an ASPCA convention. But what the hell would he say?

[H/T: Dogs Against Romney]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 01/14/12 at 02:01 PM
Permalink

Sunday, January 08, 2012

I don’t want to be selfish and pick all the plums out of this Palin interview with Jeanine Pirro in case anyone else wants to join in, but if you can get beyond the gradual evolution into Cousin It, she’s not too screechy in this exchange (new meds?), and there’s plenty of fun as she tells the Republicans how to WIN against Obama. Because SARAH KNOWS JUST SHUT UP!!!! Sample:

Republicans are known for not being sheeple, and not just, um, going along to get along, but really wanting to duke it out in the arena of ideas, and healthy debate, and contested primaries, and that’s good, it’s a good process.

As opposed to, once in a while you see on the Democrat side, you know, you see an Anointed One, and they go forward and they don’t get vetted, and they don’t have to engage in the strong, aggressive debate that helps people understand who these people are, what their experience is, and what their intentions are in leading the country, so I don’t have a problem with aggressive campaigning as long as it’s fair campaigning.

Posted by YAFB on 01/08/12 at 01:54 PM
Permalink

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Hungover and still at the “make the world go away” stage?

Knee-deep in wrapping paper and/or relatives?

Still stumped by the instructions on that new toy?

Once you finally deciphered them and unearthed some batteries, has 2011’s must-have gizmo not lived up to the ad copy hype?

Or even worse, does the damn thing apparently have a mind of its own?

Oh well. Never mind. There’s always strong drink. Let it all hang out.

Posted by YAFB on 12/25/11 at 08:54 AM
Permalink

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

This impossibly cute baby seal busted into a New Zealand lady’s home through the cat door and then went upstairs (can you imagine? squeee!), made itself comfortable on the couch and dozed off:

Instead of tying a purple ribbon around its neck and making it her pet, the homeowner sensibly called the animal control folks. And here’s where the story gets weird(er):

At Ms Swoffer’s home, the seal was put in a net and box but as it was being driven away in the Doc vehicle, it escaped and made its way up to the front of the vehicle, accidentally turning on the radio and ending up on the front seat.

“Accidentally”? I’m not so sure. This story is making me reconsider my skepticism about reincarnation.

[H/T: Gawker]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/14/11 at 03:30 PM
Permalink

I forget how it works—do we know she’s a witch if she floats her support for Romney, or if her endorsement sinks his chances?

I hope this actually means something to somebody. I want Max Headgroomed to be the GOP nom so friggin’ bad, you guys. That stutter-step delivery of his is worth 50 electoral votes all by itself.

Also, it gives me an excuse to post a picture of my dearly departed dog Peter in his “Christine O’Donnell as seen in that revolting Gawker hit piece” costume from last Halloween:

read the whole post »

Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 12/14/11 at 12:22 PM
Permalink

Friday, December 02, 2011

“Dog bites man” is no news story, but “dog shoots man” is worthy of coverage:

A 46-year-old Brigham City man and a friend were duck hunting Sunday about 8:30 a.m. on the north end of the Great Salt Lake near the bird refuge, about 10 miles west of Brigham City. The two had their canoe-like boat in a shallow marsh area when the man got out of the boat to either set up or collect decoys. He laid his 12-gauge shotgun across the bow of the boat, said Box Elder County Sheriff’s Chief Deputy Kevin Potter.

After the man got out of the boat, a dog inside the vessel jumped up on the bow and stepped on the gun. The gun fired and shot the man in the buttocks. Medical crews later removed 27 pellets of birdshot.

The men called 911 and walked to the main road to wait for emergency crews. The fact the man was wearing waders likely helped prevent a more serious injury, Potter said. The gun was fired from approximately 10 feet away, he said. Potter did not have information on the type of dog that stepped on the shotgun.

My guess is that the dog is a “Cheney Retriever.” At least it didn’t shoot its master in the face.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/02/11 at 08:29 AM
Permalink

Saturday, November 26, 2011

As I mentioned earlier, my family and I attempted to walk off our annual Thanksgiving Day feast yesterday with a hike through a primeval swamp located at the northwestern end of the Everglades. You won’t find this sort of scene on a postcard. But I think Florida’s marshlands and swamps have an austere beauty that could rival anything a Brontë sister could conjure:

This particular swamp features a cypress dome containing many ancient bald cypress specimens, so called because they shed most of their leaves in the winter:

read the whole post »

Posted by Betty Cracker on 11/26/11 at 07:11 AM
Permalink

Friday, November 25, 2011

I’m not overly fond of Thanksgiving Day itself since I’m usually either trying to cook a large meal for a large crowd in a small kitchen or else trapped in someone else’s overly formal Turkey Day tableau, where participants are expected to wear something other than sweatsuits and to pretend that lavishing praise on the hosts’ imaginary sky fairy is more important than watching the football game. Bah!

But the day after Thanksgiving is a favorite since our little nuclear family tradition is to make a picnic of our leftovers and do something outdoorsy. Our sandwich of choice consists of leftover turkey, stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce on Cuban bread—very delicious!

This year, we’re off to hike through a swamp that contains 600-year-old cypress trees and migratory wood storks as well as many other critters, including alligators, deer and allegedly even the elusive Florida panther. Cuban tree frogs will probably rain down on my head. If I make it back, I’ll post some pictures.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 11/25/11 at 07:28 AM
Permalink