Here is your very own opportunity to tell truth from fiction as we recount three stories of bastardly wingnut mind blowing hard heartedness and just plain meanness. Your job is to guess which story is actually true, astonishing though it may seem. (For that reason, of course, actual links are not being provided until we reveal the winning story.) Ready? Here we go.
Story Number 1: Everyone must certainly be aware of the devastating tornado that demolished a hospital and several other buildings in Joplin, Missouri over the weekend. The scenes of devastation and misery that have come out of the tragedy are horrific and heart rending. The area has been given federal disaster designation and the government is rushing to provide funds to help the victims as much as possible. Except, hold on, not so fast there. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor wants to put on the brakes. Spending on the Joplin disaster should be allowed only if it is paid for by cutting spending elsewhere. Otherwise let’s just hope all the victims have rilly, rilly good insurance.
Story Number 2: Kansas state Rep Pete DeGraaf, commenting on a state bill to outlaw abortion coverage (except to save the woman’s life) in any general health insurance policy issued in that state compared women who become pregnant as a result of rape to motorists who fail to carry spare tires in their trunk. You see the law would allow women in Kansas to purchase special insurance just to cover abortions. Any right thinking women, opines Rep. DeGraaf, R-Hell, would think ahead, expect to possibly be raped and purchase the insurance as a safety precaution. After all, he argued, “I also have life insurance. I have a lot of things that I plan ahead for.”
Story Number 3: At a town hall in Georgia Repub Rep Rob Woodall made an outright case for terminating Medicare. When one of his constituents objected to the Republican proposals by pointing out that her employer did not provide retiree insurance and she did not otherwise know where she would find it (you know, pre-existing conditions and all) Woodall replied “Hear yourself, ma’am. Hear yourself. You want the government to take care of you, because your employer decided not to take care of you. My question is, ‘When do I decide I’m going to take care of me?’” Not, of course, that the honorable Congressman has such a concern. No, his years as a house staffer and now a member of the House of Representatives will guarantee nice retirement benefits and full insurance coverage.
OK, have we all made our guesses? Well, just slip under the fold and we’ll reveal the answer.
It’s hard to know what to make of the Republicans’ big pile-on of Newt Gingrich when he just told the straight truth about Paul Ryan’s plan to destroy Medicare so we can save Medicare. Especially in light of the fact that the general public absolutely hates the plan. In fact a few days ago the Republican leadership, despite the fact that the House Repubs voted overwhelmingly in favor of it, were kinda, sorta trying to walk things back.
Then came Newt on the scene calling Ryan’s idea “social engineering from the right” and justlikethat politicians, pundits and radio talk spew hosts were all over him like flies on a picnic table. I first thought of illustrating the post with this picture:
But after I heard the phrase “cut [Ryan] off at the knees” being blurted out by Limbaugh and parroted by Nicki Haley I wondered if this wasn’t more apropos:
I’ll let you guys decide. And if anyone has any insights on why the Rethugs are so determined to cling to and defend a proposal that has about a snowflake’s chance in hell of passing AND antagonizes their constituents at the same time, feel free to share those here too. I’m just gaping at them with wonder.
While the radical nutjobs that pass for mainstream Republicans these days are still arguing that we have to kill Medicare in order to save it, the denizens of The American Spittoon have bigger fish to fry. Yes, America, the godless commies of ACORN have risen again just in time to steal yet another election for our evil black (did we mention he’s black?) overlord, Obamra!
Arguably the agenda could be as much about selling the author’s new book as warning us of the evil organization’s dangers as he manages to plug the book twice and gets in a video for best effect. But don’t be distracted by these things! It’s important to remember that ACORN is spreading “the gospel of Marxist social justice around the world”, manufacturing housing bubbles (STILL) (!!11!1) AND churning out manufactured votes like a Monopoly money still! All while setting up pedophily type brothels with their other hand. Truth, justice and the American way are taking a huge hit again. What, oh, what can we do to stop them?
Maybe mixing copious amounts of sun-block and mosquito repellant causes a brain cell-destroying chemical reaction. This could explain why Floridians voted in the most stupid and corrupt state government in decades. How dumb is the current batch of troglodytes in Tallahassee? This dumb:
Florida Gov. Rick Scott is expected to sign a bill that will make the state the first in the nation to prohibit doctors from asking patients if they own guns. The bill is aimed particularly at pediatricians, who routinely ask new parents if they have guns at home and if they’re stored safely.
This harmless-looking cat lady, Marion Hammer, led the charge, supporting a bill that originally proposed jail time and millions in fines for doctors who tell parents it’s a good idea to lock up their guns:
Hammer’s cats, lacking thumbs and trigger fingers, are unlikely to accidentally shoot her or each other. But thanks to Hammer’s efforts, doctors who provide safety tips to heavily armed new parents will now be guilty of a non-criminal offense and subject to a $500 fine.
So how did it come to this? Well, the NRA has deep pockets, which allows them to directly pay off politicians to advance their pro-gun hysteria via legislation.
Maybe swimming pool makers will get in on the act next and pony up the funds necessary to forbid doctors from mentioning that it’s a good idea to put a lock between toddlers and a pool.
Because that is just the world the Kochs and their Tea Party cohorts want to return us to. From wars on unions to the destruction of Medicare and Medicaid, massive tax cuts for corporations and the wealthy combined with tax increases on middle and lower income Americans, dismantling of social security and now the latest. Getting rid ofchild labor laws!
Getcher roasted chestnuts right here! Sorry, the roast goose is for the deserving class.
Following their Supreme Court victory in the Citizens United case, which allows corporate interests to dominate political discourse, the GOP has turned its attention to neutralizing the last remaining speed bumps on their roadmap to 100% corporate dominion over US politics: working stiffs and those pesky voters, especially young folks, the poor, women and minorities.
The GOP’s post-2010 election union-busting spree has been covered widely (though the obvious motivation behind it is too seldom identified). The party is fully prepared to let their state-level apparatchiks go down in the fight to further the cause. As we’ve discussed in this space, Wisconsin’s Walker and Florida’s Scott are single-serving wingnut governors by design. No doubt they will profit handsomely once they’re turned out of office. It’s a feature, not a bug.
If the GOP can get unions—the only counterbalance to corporate money in US politics—out of the way, the last speed bump is the US voter. But we pride ourselves on being a very exceptional democracy, so voter disenfranchisement has to be handled delicately as we make the transition to Banana Republicanism.
It’s hard to find examples of GOP overreach more disastrous than those occurring at the state level in Wisconsin and Florida, where the newly elected Tea Party-backed governors are somewhat less popular than syphilis and chlamydia, respectively. So what better places to begin Campaign 2012—The Restoration?
Former half-term Governor Quittin’ Bull excoriated the sitting GOP US House majority for getting rolled by Obama, exhorting them to “fight like a girl” and praising (politically) Dead Governor Walk(er)ing’s union-busting, Koch-sucking approach to politics.
Donald Trump addressed a disappointingly small Tea Party crowd in Boca Raton, waxing expansive on his favorite topic: Donald Trump and his unparalleled awesomeness. He also advised the GOP to embrace birtherism because “I’ll tell you, people love this issue, especially in the Republican Party.”
Good Christ, Kentucky, how could you? Don’t we have enough problems in this giant clusterfuck of a country without having to listen to this pompous shit drone on about the alleged profundity of an insipid master race bodice-ripper in the US Congress?
Gyad, I didn’t think Kentucky could come up with someone exponentially more annoying than that crotchety old fart they were replacing, Jim Bunning. But by god, they’ve outdone themselves by electing this monumental asshole. Well done, Blue Grass State! (Fuckers!*)
*Kentuckians who voted against Paul are excluded from this epithet.
I was looking for an editorial cartoon I saw the other day lampooning FL Governor Rick Scott’s scheme to funnel money to his “wife’s”* chain of doc-in-a-box / drug-screening clinics by ordering all state workers and welfare recipients to piss in a cup. Found it.
But I also found a fascinating tumblr page maintained by a fellow Floridian who, like me, is still coming to grips with the fact that our state is in the clutches of a cartoonishly obvious super-villain. It got me thinking: Could I successfully convey what it’s like to be governed by a cartoonishly obvious super-villain?
There’s really no imagination required if you live here. Scott is doing monstrous things like gutting our already crappy public schools and cutting services to people with cerebral palsy so he can slash one of the nation’s lowest corporate tax rates to zero. The only question is whether “monstrous” is literal or figurative. So without further ado, this is what it’s like when your state is ruled by a cartoonishly obvious super-villain…
The super-villain establishes his lair in a building that sends laughably obvious clues about his psychological status:
Did I mention that it sexually assaults innocent kittehs? Although it might not say so directly in the bill, that description is at least as accurate as Palin’s “death panels” and Boehner’s “job-killing health care bill,” the provisions of which the GOP is apparently poised to serve up as sauce for the gander:
House Republicans are preparing to introduce a 10-year budget Tuesday that will eliminate Medicare and replace it with a private insurance system that closely resembles the new health care law, and end Medicaid as an entitlement program all together.
Ryan’s plan will also propose tax reforms that lower corporate and upper-income tax rates, while eliminating certain loopholes. The details of that part of his plan are unclear, but if they adhere to his Roadmap for America’s Future, the GOP budget will propose to overhaul the tax code in a way that reduces the burden on the wealthy and increases it on the poor and middle classes.
Batter up, Democratic Party. The GOP’s pitcher is about to lob a slo-mo grapefruit over home plate. If you whiff this one, I’m burning my jersey and throwing out my cowbell.
Always needing to get her .2 cents in and proving once again that she has little or no concern about the rights of low income women after they’re out of the womb, Sarah Palin issued a statement saying:
I join Rep. Mike Pence and others of conscience and common sense who are leading the charge to end the taxpayer funding of the nation’s largest abortion provider. We recognize that not only is our country buried under Mt. McKinley-sized debt, but that the truest measure of an society is how it treats those who are least able to defend and speak for themselves.
Wait, what was that term she used there? Common. Sense. So it is common sense to de-fund an organization that provides contraception services, to primarily low income women, at a rate 12 times higher than abortion services because that will surely prevent more abortions? Oh wait. We’re talking about Sarah Palin here. To whom “common sense” is simply an alliterative catch phrase to attach to any garbled pronunciation she feels compelled to make.
Here’s why it is likely to prove impossible for Democrats and Republicans to reach any sort of sane agreement on how to address the deficit:
House Representative Jeff Duncan (R-SC), who attended last week’s Tea Party rally in Washington DC, wants to lower taxes on corporations that are already paying an effective federal tax rate of ZERO.
It’s one thing for Tea Party rally-goers to be utterly ignorant of the fact that the effective corporate tax rate share of US tax receipts paid by corporations is under 7% (down from around 30% in the 1950s). Fox News isn’t going to tell them the middle class has been fleeced mercilessly for decades so that the richest 1% of Americans can consolidate their hold on 40% of the nation’s wealth.
But Duncan is one of the people charged with addressing the problem, and he’s just as ignorant as the costumed nitwits who showed up to wave signs suggesting that NPR, ACORN and Planned Parenthood are to blame for transforming the US into a blighted hellscape. Either that or he’s lying: My guess is that he’s sincerely that dumb. It doesn’t really matter, though, since there isn’t any consensus on what the problem is, let alone how to address it.
In any case, thanks to the Supreme Court’s Citizens United decision, corporate lobbying groups were able to purchase dozens of pliable politicians like Duncan to represent their interests in the US Congress. Long story short? We’re probably doomed. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
[H/T: Think Progress and Moonbatting Average in comments for correcting my piss-poor wording above.]
Still, Koch Industries may get a further return on their Republican rebranding investment if the looming Republican government shutdown occurs and the GOP manages (with a complicit media) to deflect the blame from itself onto its wholly owned subsidiary. Think of it as the political equivalent of a credit default swap. You’ve got to hand it to the crafty devils.
Dear Rick Scott Voters Who Finally Figured It Out:
So, I see some of you have changed your minds about your vote in the last Florida gubernatorial election! Rick Scott squeaked into office with 49% of the vote, besting Democratic opponent Alex Sink by barely one percent. However, a recent poll reveals that Scott would lose to Sink by 20 points if the election were held today.
But you know what, Rick Scott Voters Who Finally Figured It Out? The election was NOT held today, you stupid, stupid motherfuckers! It was held in November, and while it’s apparently news to you drooling idiots that Scott is a crook, it was widely known by everyone in the state with an IQ eclipsing that of a Peeps marshmallow treat well in advance of the election.
You brainless ninnies are very lucky internet technology has not advanced to the point that I can reach through the screen and snatch you bald-headed to match the ambulatory dildo you empowered with the governorship. However, these are your current instructions: Make a fist (with either hand). Now, start punching yourself in the face, and don’t stop until January 6, 2015. Fuckers.