Goth prophet Robert Smith foresaw a future where Firebaggers in blackface and adorable Furries like the New Progressive Alliance are trapped in a Phantom Zone of clichéd late ‘70s/early ‘80s dance moves and visual tropes, perpetually declaring their devotion to the Undeclared Obama Primary Challenger who most resembles their image of themselves…or the corpse of FDR, depending.
I’m not quite sure how the Humpty Dumpty Man fits into all this. But then again, how could he not?
Sense-Roid is the Ultimate Progressive Candidate, because it does exactly what you would do, if you were doing it to yourself. Plus, it can’t talk back or run away, which means it will always be your Special Friend.
[H/T Mrs. Polly for the above clip, which will be a terrific first campaign spot once we lose the Japanese guy and add a ‘70s wah-wah guitar track.]
At first, I thought those guys were a bunch of emo jerks, but if this bus campaign helps swing the Moderate RINO and Confused Libertarian vote to Obam-Ra in 2012, we could have this thing sewn up before the GOP ever gets to Iowa. More buses like this, please!
Destiny is a funny thing. Even though it’s written in advance, Googling it gets you nowhere and its still unavailable on Kindle, much like my own unpublished novel, Robot Dragon-Racers of Floon. Yet, when it’s time to rise up out of your Aeron chair and primary a sitting President whose criminal inversion of Liberal principles makes you want to gnaw the hair off your own ass, somehow you just know.
And, today, what I “just know” is that answering the NPA’s cattle-call for a steely, uncompromising human sacrifice to challenge Mr. Obama’s otherwise-unobstructed crypto-Wilsonian March of Malfeasance is the right thing to do.
Of course, “knowing” isn’t enough. I have “reasons,” as well. Because, if you can’t cite authoritative justifications for your opinions, you shouldn’t be on Twitter:
1. I saw your ad on Craigslist, which always has great deals and happens to be the same place I totally pillaged this still-in-the-box Aeron chair from a Social Media startup bankruptcy sale.
2. I’m over 35, but mostly in the face, where it helps.
Some fauxgressive backwaters of the Internet seem intent on welcoming Osama Bin Laden to the ocean bottom with a bit of an image makeover: integrity, the man had it! You don’t just chuck a gazillionaire’s playboy lifestyle if you don’t mean the yards of scribblings you’re pouring into your jihadi journal. Perhaps OBL’s methods and motives might have been questionable, but at least he had the decency not to make campaign promises and go back on them, not like a certain power-mad, bent-on-world-domination you-know-who:
Like most thoughtful Liberals, I’m consumed with guilt that the well-spoken Black man I helped elect President has proven to be nothing more than a blood-soaked Santeria Voodoo King who kills his enemies at will, then eats their flesh in order to absorb the power of their spirit-totems. Like FDR before him, who lied about his legs and drove a helpless Hitler to suicide — and, later, that Billy Drago guy who played the hell out of “Frank Nitti” in Kevin Costner’s otherwise-unwatchable 1987 production of The Untouchables — Obama has revealed himself to be nothing more than a stylish, well-manicured psychopath who is no better than the last 43* murdering, duplicitous ghouls who’ve occupied the White House and performed unspeakable, expedient atrocities in the name of Freedom and Realpolitik.
Thank God it’s the weekend. There’s something about the smell of gasoline and freshly-mown grass that helps me forget how Obama has totally dismantled Social Security, Medicare and the underpinnings of honest government…or, will, eventually, because he’s just the sort of slick-talkin’ sumbitch who gets you all horny by reading Rimbaud, then knocks you up, changes his phone number and joins the Merchant Marine. The bastid.
Go on and guess who one certain ostensibly progressive phenom wouldn’t mind supporting for president in 2012 against his favorite nemesis, Barack Obama. No, go on, guess! No fair peeking at this excellent piece by Joy Reid, or else you’ll know that Glenn Greenwald, spokes-scourge for the Firebagging Nation, has his eye on former governor Gary Johnson (R-Randhole)* for president, to run possibly with Russell Feingold, who since he lost his seat last year certainly has the time, if not inclination. Why wouldn’t Russ want to partner up with an anti-union,anti-Medicare and Social Security, pro-tax cuts for the wealthy, anti-gay marriage (but he’s anti-all government-sanctioned marriage, so that’s all right, then—I guess) private prison enthusiast? (The government should get out of providing services, but purchasing them with the peoples’ tax money—-WINNING! And thanks, Charlie.)
The Cato Institute’s fiercest binary-thinker could be down with Johnson or some billionaire or another——-anything to shake up the two party system in the long run, however far in the future that may be. The suffering instituted in the here-and-now? You mean Bradley Manning’s suffering? Is there any other kind?
(Image presented in keeping with today’s Earth Day salute to animals, and the people who resemble them, but not nearly enough.)
*Is this new Internet tradition strong enough to survive being used in a Polly post? I hope so!
Like most disenchanted Liberals, I spend a large chunk of my day quietly inventorying the many ways President Obama has violated my trust and molested My Virgin Principles (MVP™). As a form of emotional self-defense, I also routinely engage in the mental exercise of creating complex scenarios in which even Obama’s occasional courageous defense of Liberal ideology can be construed as a cynical ploy to fuck me over by doing precisely what I want him to do, at times when it would have been politically expedient to do something else. Psyche!
I won’t be dwelling on my own festering disappointment today, however, since a casual Google search has revealed to me that there’s a much bigger issue that threatens the entire underlying dynamic of recreational Obama-bashing: I.e., Obama may be running out of people to betray.
I’m serious. Not even counting women, gays, Haitians, Blacks, Whites, Hispanics and Bradley Manning, Obama appears to have already short-sold practically everyone in the Known Universe:
This Firebagger has been trying to exert pull on the Body Politic since 2008, but the Body Politic hasn’t moved—not in her direction, anyway! Why doesn’t the Poseur in the Whitehouse know what she does? KISS: Keep It Simple, Smarty! WTF is wrong with him?
She’s steamed. She’s seething—and now she can’t even type! How is she going to fight for Justice if she can’t even use her keyboard? Won’t somebody be merciful and explain how she can free herself from the surly bonds of single-dimensional Fauxgressivism?
So, tomorrow night, President Obama is going to sign the Punch-a-Hippie Act of 2011 into law, outline the Kozy Kitten Social Security Replacement Plan, replace Medicare and programs that feed the poor with a new Soylent Green Codger Elimination and Impoverished People’s Protein Act, enact the Paul Ryan budget in toto (and your little dog too!), give Boehner a boner, appoint Sarah Palin to a Cabinet-level position in the newly formed Department of Drill Baby Drill, ban abortion and contraception with the Rick Santorum Sacred Sperm Act, propose replacing Guatemalan gardeners with the 99ers to produce a trickle-down effect from a new Boost Bankster Bonuses Bill and replace Hillary Clinton with John Bolton as Secretary of State.
You heard it here first. Let your pre-freak flag fly, people!
Think about it: Obama gets a historic health care law passed, the WATBs are mad because it didn’t include public option, never mind that the bill damn near DIDN’T GET PASSED. Obama gets a massive economic stimulus bill passed, the WATBs say it was too small, forgetting it was CONSERVATIVE DEMOCRATS who scaled it back. Obama gets a historic financial regulation system passed, the WATBs says it’s inadequate, even though congressional supporters say the bill was IMPROVED as it came closer to passage. Obama ends combat operations in Iraq, the WATBs complain about the escalation of the war in Afghanistan, which he said he was going to do in the campaign. Obama signs an executive order for hopsitals who accept Medicare and Medicaid to grant visitation and decision making rights to same sex couples, but the WATBs ignore it and focus all of their attention the fact that he didn’t overturn DADT wtih the stroke of a pen. Obama gets a payroll tax cut and an extension of unemployment benefits after negotiations with Republicans last December, and the WATBs complain about extending the Bush tax cuts for two years, without getting mad at CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS who chickened out and didn’t vote for a plan to end the tax cuts. And now with Sheikh Muhammad and Gitmo, I’m sure the WATBs got into a thumb sucking fit about that, without, again, getting made at CONGRESSIONAL LAWMAKERS who chickened out and didn’t give him the money to close the joint down.
Seriously, this new generation of progressives has simply GOT TO GROW THE HELL UP. They’ve got the instant gratification mindset prevalant in our society now. Compare it to the founding of the NAACP in 1909 — it was a long 40 years later before the military was desegregated, and nearly 50 years before the first civil rights legislation was passed. And think of all the other progressive innovations in the 20th century: Social Security, Medicare, women’s suffrage, child labor laws, civil rights, environmental protection, food and water safety, veterans’ benefits, the list goes on and on. You think all this came during the presidency of ONE man in his first term? OF COURSE NOT…it still took advocates decades of toil, sweat, and literally blood to make these things a reality. Did they stop and whine and throw a childish fit when they didn’t get EVERYTHING they wanted at one time?
GOP heartthrob Paul Ryan (such Reaganesque hair!) has inspired right-leaning stiffies nationwide with his budget proposal. Glenn Beck openly declared his love and was immediately requited by the man himself.
Liberal Eeyores (god love ‘em) predictably, preemptively and pessimistically prognosticated doom. But I want to focus on Ross Douthat’s “Paul Ryan and the Triumph of the Will Policy” paean because it’s so…well, take it away, Douthat:
You do not have to like the long-term budget that Paul Ryan and the House Republicans have released this morning. There’s plenty in the plan for liberals to hate, moderates to doubt, and conservatives to question. But you do have to respect it.
No. Actually, I don’t. For all the huffing and puffing about Ryan’s honesty and courage, this budget proposal is an amalgam of the same turds the GOP has been pinching out since Calvin Coolidge.
As per usual, the turd is polished with focus group-approved language about “protecting seniors” and “saving Medicare” when its true aim is to abolish Medicare as a defined benefit plan altogether and leave granny to the tender mercies of a deregulated insurance industry, which has worked out so well for us healthier-as-a-group under-65-year-olds.
Ryan titled his proposal “The Path to Prosperity: Restoring America’s Promise.” Had he called it “Tax Cuts for Tycoons: Bounty for the Better-Off and Deprivation for the Disadvantaged,” I might have been impressed. Now? Not so much.
GOP politicians and anti-abortion zealots (the former being a smallish subset of the latter) don’t want to let the current fiscal crisis go to waste, not when it can be used deny women constitutionally protected reproductive rights. This explains the brainlessdemagoguery around Planned Parenthood, which doesn’t receive a nickel of taxpayer money to perform abortions.
Now the zygote fetishists at American Life League (where every sperm is sacred) have released a video that likens Planned Parenthood to Bunny Blenders—only worse, because Planned Parenthood puts newborn babies into Cuisinarts:
Again, Planned Parenthood doesn’t receive a nickel of taxpayer money to perform abortions and is barred by federal law from doing so. The funding Mike Pence and other anti-choice zealots are targeting pays for stuff like contraception, STD treatment, Pap smears, etc.
These folks are using helpless, fluffy little bunnies to impose their “sperm + egg = BABY!!11!1!!” fantasy on the entire country. They have no shame. And their attempt to remake America into The Handmaid’s Tale will fail because the Senate, unlike the House, hasn’t been overrun by hard-right extremists.
But hey, the Republicans and Democrats are exactly alike anyway, so it doesn’t matter if the Senate changes hands in 2012 or if Mike Huckabee becomes President of the Republic of Gilead United States. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is just using reproductive rights as a cudgel to keep women in the Democratic harem.