Casual observers may believe Obama beat McCain because of things like effective organization, disgust with failed Republican policies, a VP candidate who wasn’t a booger-eating moron, etc. But the GOP poobahs know better: The party that transformed an addled, daddy-dependent, AWOL, prep-school cheerleader into Commander Codpiece understands the power of image.
Before McCain had even delivered his concession speech in 2008, the people who really run the GOP (hint: the money people, not the tea party yahoos, dittoheads, Paultards, etc.) identified the cause of the loss and were busily engaged in developing a new strategy.
And you thought the ‘tweens & teens might be a dull decade in comparison to the tragicomic aughties! But like an animatronic groundhog issuing forth from his Punxsutawney-based battery charger, the quasi-lifelike android known as Mitt Romney emitted a short burst of static and prepared to hit the campaign trail on a No Apologies book tour, which portends endless mirth and entertainment.
The tour started out with an apology of sorts—an effort to quash unflattering comparisons with Governor Moosemunch’s magnum opus and the attendant hullabaloo:
“Inevitably there are going to be comparisons with the Sarah Palin book,’’ said Eric Fehrnstrom, a Romney spokesman. “We’re not going to match her crowd size or sales. These are two different people with different ways of expressing themselves.’’
No doubt. Palin might be a vicious, pea-brained, whining wingnut with a Queen Esther complex, but even most of her enemies assume she’s a human being, and to her supporters, she’s a human being who has transformed into a religious icon—a Moose-Slaying Madonna whose Word is the ultimate Shield of Faith against unbelieving heathen hordes. Romney’s effort is unlikely to send thrills up the legs of anyone aside from Hugh Hewitt. (And the less said about those particular appendages, the better. Some of us are still dealing with hangovers.)
Still, the title of Romney’s upcoming book is calculated to provoke, as foreshadowed in an interview Romney did on the Hannity show this past summer, in which Romney attempted to emulate human wingnut resentment toward Obama’s “Hey, I’m not George W. Bush!” tour of Europe and the Middle East, which was marked by stunning, soul-shattering admissions that America is not perfect:
HANNITY: All right. Let’s talk about this apology tour. You were at the Heritage Foundation and basically blasted the president for this ongoing apology tour. Is this what we’re going to get now in the next four days?
ROMNEY: I sure hope not. I hope he listened to my comments and those that you’re making and that other people have made. Actually the Britain’s paper, The Guardian, said that this American president has been more critical of his own country while on foreign soil than any American president in history.
That’s not a distinction you want at any time. But particularly now with the North Koreans pursuing their weapons of mass destruction, with Iran, belligerently pursuing their nuclear ambition. With all that’s happening in the world, in Afghanistan, in Iraq, and Somalia and across the world, you want an American president who is confident and determined in our protection of freedom, and in the fact that America is a great nation and that we have sacrificed more than any other nation to help other people reclaim freedom, and given all of that, these constant apologies, I think, are quite troublesome.
“Quite troublesome” is the Romnoid version of “godless commie pinko foreign Muslim supremacist goat-fucker.” It will be fascinating to see what other epithets Romney .2012 employs to try to co-opt the teabaggers, particularly since he’ll be forced to spin his Massachusetts health care reform effort as something wholly apart from the Democrats’ reform bill and without a shred of socialism and government takeover in sight despite numerous similarities.
One of Mitt Romney’s several offspring (the one with the crazy eyes?) has announced an essay contest on Mitt’s Keep America Free and Strong PAC blog! Fabulous prizes!
The best submission will receive an all-expense paid trip for 2 to join me in the Romney family seats at Fenway Park for a Red Sox game. And four runner-ups will receive a baseball personally autographed by my dad.
Taking in a ball game with Crazy Eyes(?)! A baseball PERSONALLY AUTOGRAPHED by Mitt! Best of all, the essay can be no longer than 250 words, which is nothing for a verbose Mitt-maniac like me. The essay must answer this question: “What does a free and strong America mean to you?” Okay, here goes:
What a Free and Strong America Means to Me
By Betty Cracker
I dream of an America in which real Americans can count the comb marks in their president’s sleek black hair (and marvel at the distinguished shocks of gray gracing each temple). An America where a man can confidently lash his Irish setter to the roof of his estate wagon, laughing as the terrified animal’s stress-induced diarrhea rolls down the back window and hosing the unlucky beast off at a gas station without fear of criticism from whiny animal rights freaks.
I dream of an America in which real men take up varmint guns against Guatemalan landscape workers, reserving plum jobs tending the flower beds of stately mansions for Americans. I dream of an America in which a man with 57 great-great-grandmothers can piously decree that marriage is, was, and always shall be, defined as a union between one man and one woman.
I dream of an America in which all acknowledge that traveling around the country campaigning for daddy in an opulent Winnebago is every bit as noble and praise-worthy as schlepping through Baghdad in desert cammies with a gun and 60 pounds of gear at the behest of one’s country. Each is serving America and keeping her strong and free.
Yes, I dream of an America with a former hedge fund executive at the helm because men who made their fortunes on Wall Street in the 80s are uniformly ethical, honest and deserving of every penny in their Swiss bank accounts. I dream of Mitt’s America, strong and free.
Whew, 250 words exactly! I can haz my baseball now?
Update: Shit! You have to donate $50 to the PAC, or your entry will not be considered. Never mind.
White male victimhood mongers of all genders, colors and sizes are howling like a pack of crack-addled, hydroencephalic hyenas over this excerpt of a speech by Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor:
I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would more often than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn’t lived that life.
Why that “spic chic” [sic] thinks her judicial acumen is superior to a white man’s just because she grew up eating pig intestines over rice! But if you’re capable of reading the entire speech (without moving your lips and squoonching up your face over the polysyllabic words while doing so), it quickly becomes apparent that Sotomayor was engaged in a thoughtful analysis of the role experience plays in the judicial rulings of every human being who is appointed to a judgeship. And it inconveniently becomes clear that Sotomayor subscribes to the ideal that judges should strive for impartial application of the law.
Others raise more genteel but equally bone-headed objections based on a deliberate misinterpretation of Sotomayor’s words. Here’s past and future GOP candidate Mitt Romney’s take:
The nomination of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court is troubling. Her public statements make it clear she has an expansive view of the role of the judiciary. Historically, the Court is where judges interpret the Constitution and apply the law. It should never be the place “where policy is made,” as Judge Sotomayor has said. Like any nominee, she deserves a fair and thorough hearing. What the American public deserves is a judge who will put the law above her own personal political philosophy.
But if you see the entire clip of the exchange from which the Sotomayor quote is extracted rather than the 25-second snippet that is no doubt looping endlessly on Fox News, it becomes clear that Sotomayor isn’t advocating legislating from the bench but rather explaining the difference in how appellate courts operate and the experience to be gained by serving different courts.
Romney is a dishonest cretin to imply otherwise, and his statement is particularly hypocritical coming from a smarmy bastard who has spent his entire political career pirouetting from one absolutist stance to another in a self-serving attempt to dance to the prevailing political tune.
If the early attacks on Sotomayor are any indication, once again, the GOP has nothing.
[Cross-posted at Betty Cracker. H/T to Whiskey Fire.]
Willard Romney, known throughout the world of pornography simply as “Mitt” for his willingness to have five fingers…oh nevermind…has apparently returned to his pornographic roots:
BETHESDA, Md. (Bloomberg) — Mitt Romney has been reappointed to Marriott International Inc.‘s board of directors.
Romney, a former governor of Massachusetts and a U.S. presidential candidate, served on the board from 1992 to 2002, Marriott said Wednesday in a statement distributed by PR Newswire.
You see, during Mittens’s tenure on the board for Marriott, the hotel aired hardcore, barely legal porno in their hotel rooms, and Mittens just lay passively in the missionary position and did nothing about it, which got many conservatives all hot and bothered
But apparently, our measly stimulus checks weren’t enough to satisfy the porno industry, as they are now demanding a bailout from the federal government.
Well, since Mitt Romney seems to know a lot of about both porn and the economy (He’s rich! Though not from porn, but maybe!), I suggest that we make him our next president in 2012.
This has been the most pleasurable post I’ve ever written.
I know there are two days of potential failure to go, so perhaps this is premature. But here is my list of top 10 epic political fails of 2008. Discuss!
#10—PUMA Movement: A “movement” in the same sense and level of importance of “bowel movement,” PUMA might be rated #1 if entertainment value and copious evidence of failure were the chief criteria. However, in my poll, consequence counts too, so PUMA struggles into the top 10 at the bottom slot. And only because I personally found them amusing. By rights, the “Bratz” vs “Barbie” kerfluffle should edge them out.
#9—Joe the Plumber: Like a cockroach scrambling for purchase in a swirling toilet, John McCain latched onto the sturdiest-looking turd in the bowl as his campaign foundered. He chose poorly. Not only did bullet-headed lunk (not) Joe the (not) Plumber say wingnutty shit that alienated the McCain supporters with triple-digit IQs (both of them!) and leave McCain in the lurch at rallies, he subsequently disavowed his erstwhile patron and made the world’s worst amateur porn flick.
#8—Fred Thompson’s GOP Presidential Candidacy: Gravitas bestowed by a rumbling baritone voice and numerous flinty-eyed performances on film and TV? Check. Confirmation of virility ostentatiously conveyed by decades-younger wife? Check. Actual vigor and energy? Not so much. The Great GOP Hope clearly preferred a scotch and a nap to campaigning. Oh well.
#7—Mitt Romney’s $35M Investment: Romney’s chief credential is his financial acumen, but what does it say about his investment prowess that he blew $35M clams on his own crappy campaign and failed to convince anyone but Hugh Hewitt of his inevitability? His campaign stunk like a stream of runny dog shit flowing from atop a Country Estate Wagon. But lefty bloggers had the Five Brothers Blog to ridicule for a few precious months.
#6—Paultards: At least their heroine Ayn Rand managed to write some crappy books that inspired a future Fed chairman to enact economy-wrecking policies. Ron Paul supporters’ only accomplishments of note were to fund a stupid blimp and organize flying monkey swarms to derail GOP internet discussions. However, their rEVOLution blimp alone entitles them to primacy over the PUMAs, who couldn’t even gas up the Mini-Winnie RV of Haka Doom.
#5—Giuliani’s Electoral Strategy: What the fuck was that all about? After focusing solely on states that start with an “F” and end with a “Lorida,” Giuliana got his ass handed to him in the state by both McCain and Romney, who each received twice as many votes as Giuliani did. A noun, a verb and 9/11 only go so far.
#4—L’affair Edwards: I long suspected Edwards of being a self-aggrandizing phony. But his focus on poverty during the primary season struck me as at least partially authentic and admirable—and remember, this was before Great Depression Part Deux struck and made it more likely that many of us will join Edwards’ displaced mill workers in the breadline. But then he had to go put a camera-toting chippie on the payroll and get ambushed in the toilet of a fancy hotel while visiting his love child. Idiot.
#3—George W. Bush: The opposite of King Midas (Gnik Sadim?), everything he touches turns to shit. He’s topped my political fail list for the better part of a decade now, and his attempts to salvage a legacy at this late hour are as contemptible as they are pathetic. Digby said it best: “They need accept that the best they can hope for is to end up among history’s inept clowns instead of history’s villains. It’s not much, but it’s all they’ve got.”
#2—Sarah Palin: Oh, I’ll admit, she had me worried at first. On paper, she looked good. But then she opened her piehole, launching 987,693 punch lines and finally dooming the McCain campaign. The only question now is whether the sticky little starbursts she coaxed from the (ahem) hard right will congeal into a resolve to repeat the epic fail in 2012. Let’s hope so.
#1—John McCain: To be fair, McCain had Bush around his neck like a millstone, but whose fault is that? If McCain truly possessed the principles and honor on which he bases his personal mythology, he could have set himself up as a credible opponent to Bush ages ago and had a real shot at winning this year. But he defended the indefensible. He said dumb things and stuck to them. He needlessly alienated a sycophantic press corp. He squandered the unearned good will he’d spent decades deceitfully amassing. So he’s the top loo-hoo-hoo-ZER of 2008 in my book.
The Democrats seem to fear Mitt Romney, which is why all the ignorant liberals posting on this forum are running scared. Mitt Romney will win the GOP nomination, and will decimate Obama in the general election in 2012.
Mitt Romney understands economics, and has been a succssful business man, which is more than what I can say for Obama.
The USA has been, and always will be a CONSERVATIVE nation.
MITT ROMNEY 2012
Comment by Ross on 12/13/08 at 06:15 AM
DECIMATES AWAITS! THE MITTENS HAUNTZ AND LOOMZ! THE FOLLICLES! FEAR THE FOLLICLES!
Republican Mitt Romney is laying the groundwork for a possible White House campaign in 2012, hiring a team of staff members and consultants…
Where is he getting the money to pay for this “team of staff members and consultants” you ask?
Well..
with money from a fund-raising committee he established with the ostensible purpose of supporting other GOP candidates.
The former Massachusetts governor has raised $2.1 million for his Free and Strong America political action committee. But only 12 percent of the money has been spent distributing checks to Romney’s fellow Republicans around the country.
Instead, the largest chunk of the money has gone to support Romney’s political ambitions, paying for salaries and consulting fees to over a half-dozen of Romney’s longtime political aides, according to a Globe review of expenditures.
Wow, I’m absolutely shocked that the fakest presidential candidate in the history of the world was, well, faking it when he said that his Political Action Committee was all about raising money for other candidates who weren’t Mitt Romney (though I did find that email he sent me a few weeks back asking for money for Ritt Momney for Mittsident a little odd).
I mean, just go to MittRomney.com. Looks like it’s all about this “Free and Strong America PAC” thingy eh? Well, try clicking on the very prominent “Continue to MittRomney.com” link. What do you get? Bam! Mitt Romney for President!
Nice cover Mittens.
If I were one of those donors I’d be pissed and ask for my money back. I’d also register MittRomney2012.com right now and then demand 10 Billion dollars for it from Mitt.
Crappy 80s child actor turned crappy Evangeliban grown-up thespian Kirk Cameron discusses wholesome family films and opines about gay marriage on the Bill-O show:
Bill-O gushes about Cameron’s latest mega-hit with the Christianist set, Fireproof, which took in an astonishing 33% of the take garnered by a movie about talking Chihuahuas and 15% of the weekly haul of a cartoon featuring zoo animals on the lam.
Two promising developments on the McCain campaign via the Political Wire; first:
“In one of his first moves to centralize control of McCain’s political organization, Steve Schmidt has tapped Rudy Giuliani’s former campaign manager, Mike DuHaime, to be McCain’s new political director,” a top campaign adviser tells CNN.
“Until last week, McCain had no political director at headquarters—highly unusual for a general election campaign. Mccain’s campaign instead relied on 11 regional campaign managers—a structure many Republicans in and outside of the McCain campaign, including Schmidt, considered unworkable.”
So Team McCain is imposing a basic campaign structure…in July. I guess those folks who were wringing their hands about the long slog of the Democratic primary giving McCain a huge headstart were right, huh? Oh, and picking Giuliani’s former campaign manager is such genius—I mean, Giuliani’s campaign was so darn successful. Schmidt should dispatch emissaries to all Tennessee Picadilly Buffet locations to round up former Fred Thompson staffers and press them into service. Second bit of news:
Bloomberg says the prerequisites for Sen. John McCain’s running mate are clear: “a Washington outsider with solid economic credentials who isn’t associated with President George W. Bush, can fill the vice-presidential attack-dog role, help win Western and Midwestern states and cut into Democrat Barack Obama’s fundraising advantage.”
“One candidate fits the bill: former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney.”
Yes, by all means, please put Mittens on the ticket. Having a representative of a religion many evangelicals perceive to be a satanic perversion of True Christianity on the ballot will surely galvanize a base that is already iffy on McCain. Teaming up with a dude who once strapped his dog to the roof of his station wagon for a family trip will certainly inspire animal lovers nationwide to metaphorically strap themselves to the roof of the Straight Talk Express. The Five Brothers blog would inevitably be revived, inspiring comedy gold with fresh rounds of mockery. And most importantly, the Mittmentum would secure Utah’s coveted 5 electoral votes for Team McCain. Let’s get this done!
tonight ... alright!”
