Mittens

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Mitt Romney Returns To His First Love: Porn

Willard Romney, known throughout the world of pornography simply as “Mitt” for his willingness to have five fingers…oh nevermind…has apparently returned to his pornographic roots:

BETHESDA, Md. (Bloomberg) — Mitt Romney has been reappointed to Marriott International Inc.‘s board of directors.

Romney, a former governor of Massachusetts and a U.S. presidential candidate, served on the board from 1992 to 2002, Marriott said Wednesday in a statement distributed by PR Newswire.

You see, during Mittens’s tenure on the board for Marriott, the hotel aired hardcore, barely legal porno in their hotel rooms, and Mittens just lay passively in the missionary position and did nothing about it, which got many conservatives all hot and bothered

But the reason Mittens didn’t do anything, see, is because Mormons really, really, really love pornography.

It also turns out that most Americans like porno too, as it appears that many of us—not me of course—spent our stimulus checks stimulating ourselves with porno this year.

But apparently, our measly stimulus checks weren’t enough to satisfy the porno industry, as they are now demanding a bailout from the federal government.

Well, since Mitt Romney seems to know a lot of about both porn and the economy (He’s rich! Though not from porn, but maybe!), I suggest that we make him our next president in 2012.

This has been the most pleasurable post I’ve ever written.

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

Posted by Noah on 01/08/09 at 08:36 PM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '08Mittens

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My list of Top 10 Epic Political Fails of 2008

I know there are two days of potential failure to go, so perhaps this is premature. But here is my list of top 10 epic political fails of 2008. Discuss!

#10—PUMA Movement: A “movement” in the same sense and level of importance of “bowel movement,” PUMA might be rated #1 if entertainment value and copious evidence of failure were the chief criteria. However, in my poll, consequence counts too, so PUMA struggles into the top 10 at the bottom slot. And only because I personally found them amusing. By rights, the “Bratz” vs “Barbie” kerfluffle should edge them out.

#9—Joe the Plumber: Like a cockroach scrambling for purchase in a swirling toilet, John McCain latched onto the sturdiest-looking turd in the bowl as his campaign foundered. He chose poorly. Not only did bullet-headed lunk (not) Joe the (not) Plumber say wingnutty shit that alienated the McCain supporters with triple-digit IQs (both of them!) and leave McCain in the lurch at rallies, he subsequently disavowed his erstwhile patron and made the world’s worst amateur porn flick.

#8—Fred Thompson’s GOP Presidential Candidacy: Gravitas bestowed by a rumbling baritone voice and numerous flinty-eyed performances on film and TV? Check. Confirmation of virility ostentatiously conveyed by decades-younger wife? Check. Actual vigor and energy? Not so much. The Great GOP Hope clearly preferred a scotch and a nap to campaigning. Oh well.

#7—Mitt Romney’s $35M Investment: Romney’s chief credential is his financial acumen, but what does it say about his investment prowess that he blew $35M clams on his own crappy campaign and failed to convince anyone but Hugh Hewitt of his inevitability? His campaign stunk like a stream of runny dog shit flowing from atop a Country Estate Wagon. But lefty bloggers had the Five Brothers Blog to ridicule for a few precious months.

#6—Paultards: At least their heroine Ayn Rand managed to write some crappy books that inspired a future Fed chairman to enact economy-wrecking policies. Ron Paul supporters’ only accomplishments of note were to fund a stupid blimp and organize flying monkey swarms to derail GOP internet discussions. However, their rEVOLution blimp alone entitles them to primacy over the PUMAs, who couldn’t even gas up the Mini-Winnie RV of Haka Doom.

#5—Giuliani’s Electoral Strategy: What the fuck was that all about? After focusing solely on states that start with an “F” and end with a “Lorida,” Giuliana got his ass handed to him in the state by both McCain and Romney, who each received twice as many votes as Giuliani did. A noun, a verb and 9/11 only go so far.

#4—L’affair Edwards: I long suspected Edwards of being a self-aggrandizing phony. But his focus on poverty during the primary season struck me as at least partially authentic and admirable—and remember, this was before Great Depression Part Deux struck and made it more likely that many of us will join Edwards’ displaced mill workers in the breadline. But then he had to go put a camera-toting chippie on the payroll and get ambushed in the toilet of a fancy hotel while visiting his love child. Idiot. 

#3—George W. Bush: The opposite of King Midas (Gnik Sadim?), everything he touches turns to shit. He’s topped my political fail list for the better part of a decade now, and his attempts to salvage a legacy at this late hour are as contemptible as they are pathetic. Digby said it best:  “They need accept that the best they can hope for is to end up among history’s inept clowns instead of history’s villains. It’s not much, but it’s all they’ve got.”

#2—Sarah Palin: Oh, I’ll admit, she had me worried at first. On paper, she looked good. But then she opened her piehole, launching 987,693 punch lines and finally dooming the McCain campaign. The only question now is whether the sticky little starbursts she coaxed from the (ahem) hard right will congeal into a resolve to repeat the epic fail in 2012. Let’s hope so.

#1—John McCain: To be fair, McCain had Bush around his neck like a millstone, but whose fault is that? If McCain truly possessed the principles and honor on which he bases his personal mythology, he could have set himself up as a credible opponent to Bush ages ago and had a real shot at winning this year.  But he defended the indefensible. He said dumb things and stuck to them. He needlessly alienated a sycophantic press corp. He squandered the unearned good will he’d spent decades deceitfully amassing. So he’s the top loo-hoo-hoo-ZER of 2008 in my book.

So what did I miss?

[Cross-posted at Betty Cracker]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 12/30/08 at 10:11 AM
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Categories: PoliticsBushCoElection '08Giuliani is a JerkSt. McSameNuttersSarah PalinPoliblogsPolisnarkPUMAsMittens

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dear Ignorant Liberals

image

Ross stopped by this morning at one of Noah’s posts from Monday and he would like you to know something:

The Democrats seem to fear Mitt Romney, which is why all the ignorant liberals posting on this forum are running scared. Mitt Romney will win the GOP nomination, and will decimate Obama in the general election in 2012.
Mitt Romney understands economics, and has been a succssful business man, which is more than what I can say for Obama.
The USA has been, and always will be a CONSERVATIVE nation.
MITT ROMNEY 2012
Comment by Ross on 12/13/08 at 06:15 AM

DECIMATES AWAITS! THE MITTENS HAUNTZ AND LOOMZ! THE FOLLICLES! FEAR THE FOLLICLES!

 

Posted by Kevin K. on 12/13/08 at 09:05 AM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '08NuttersMittens

Monday, December 08, 2008

Mitt Romney 2012: Somehow Even More Fake Than Before

Mitt Romney 2012 has apparently begun.

Republican Mitt Romney is laying the groundwork for a possible White House campaign in 2012, hiring a team of staff members and consultants…

Where is he getting the money to pay for this “team of staff members and consultants” you ask?

Well..

with money from a fund-raising committee he established with the ostensible purpose of supporting other GOP candidates.

The former Massachusetts governor has raised $2.1 million for his Free and Strong America political action committee. But only 12 percent of the money has been spent distributing checks to Romney’s fellow Republicans around the country.

Instead, the largest chunk of the money has gone to support Romney’s political ambitions, paying for salaries and consulting fees to over a half-dozen of Romney’s longtime political aides, according to a Globe review of expenditures.

Wow, I’m absolutely shocked that the fakest presidential candidate in the history of the world was, well, faking it when he said that his Political Action Committee was all about raising money for other candidates who weren’t Mitt Romney (though I did find that email he sent me a few weeks back asking for money for Ritt Momney for Mittsident a little odd).

I mean, just go to MittRomney.com. Looks like it’s all about this “Free and Strong America PAC” thingy eh? Well, try clicking on the very prominent “Continue to MittRomney.com” link. What do you get? Bam! Mitt Romney for President!

Nice cover Mittens.

If I were one of those donors I’d be pissed and ask for my money back. I’d also register MittRomney2012.com right now and then demand 10 Billion dollars for it from Mitt.

Oops. Looks like somebody already did that. Oh shit, was it Mitt?

(Cross posted at The November Blog)

Posted by Noah on 12/08/08 at 02:49 PM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '08Mittens

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Show me that bile again*

Crappy 80s child actor turned crappy Evangeliban grown-up thespian Kirk Cameron discusses wholesome family films and opines about gay marriage on the Bill-O show:

Bill-O gushes about Cameron’s latest mega-hit with the Christianist set, Fireproof, which took in an astonishing 33% of the take garnered by a movie about talking Chihuahuas and 15% of the weekly haul of a cartoon featuring zoo animals on the lam.

read the whole post »

Posted by Betty Cracker on 11/20/08 at 05:39 PM
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Categories: PoliticsBedwettersElection '08NuttersPUMAsMittens

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

We’re gonna have a Mittens party tonight ... alright!

We’re gonna have a Mittens party alright ... tonight!

(Yeah, I don’t know why it made me think of this either. I just saw the title “Mitt Romney: Party 12/31/07” and it all fell into place.)

MORE: This one’s for ts...

“We’re gonna have a PUMA HAKA image tonight ... alright!”

Posted by Kevin K. on 11/04/08 at 06:48 AM
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Categories: MusicMusic VideosPoliticsElection '08YouTubidityMittens

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Republican Convention Open Thread—Wednesday—The Wasilla PTA Meeting Edition

No guarantees, but I may live blog Palin’s speech tonight.  It will all come down to if I hit the sauce or not.

read the whole post »

Posted by Kevin K. on 09/03/08 at 03:53 PM
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Friday, August 29, 2008

Democratic Post-Convention Open Thread—Friday

Republicans, we just opened a massive can o’ whoop ass on you last night.  Game on.

Posted by Kevin K. on 08/29/08 at 07:19 AM
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Categories: PoliticsBarack ObamaJoe BidenElection '08St. McSameMittens

Monday, July 07, 2008

Straight Talk Express in overdrive

Two promising developments on the McCain campaign via the Political Wire; first:

“In one of his first moves to centralize control of McCain’s political organization, Steve Schmidt has tapped Rudy Giuliani’s former campaign manager, Mike DuHaime, to be McCain’s new political director,” a top campaign adviser tells CNN.

“Until last week, McCain had no political director at headquarters—highly unusual for a general election campaign. Mccain’s campaign instead relied on 11 regional campaign managers—a structure many Republicans in and outside of the McCain campaign, including Schmidt, considered unworkable.”

So Team McCain is imposing a basic campaign structure…in July. I guess those folks who were wringing their hands about the long slog of the Democratic primary giving McCain a huge headstart were right, huh? Oh, and picking Giuliani’s former campaign manager is such genius—I mean, Giuliani’s campaign was so darn successful. Schmidt should dispatch emissaries to all Tennessee Picadilly Buffet locations to round up former Fred Thompson staffers and press them into service. Second bit of news:

Bloomberg says the prerequisites for Sen. John McCain’s running mate are clear: “a Washington outsider with solid economic credentials who isn’t associated with President George W. Bush, can fill the vice-presidential attack-dog role, help win Western and Midwestern states and cut into Democrat Barack Obama’s fundraising advantage.”

“One candidate fits the bill: former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney.”

Yes, by all means, please put Mittens on the ticket. Having a representative of a religion many evangelicals perceive to be a satanic perversion of True Christianity on the ballot will surely galvanize a base that is already iffy on McCain. Teaming up with a dude who once strapped his dog to the roof of his station wagon for a family trip will certainly inspire animal lovers nationwide to metaphorically strap themselves to the roof of the Straight Talk Express. The Five Brothers blog would inevitably be revived, inspiring comedy gold with fresh rounds of mockery. And most importantly, the Mittmentum would secure Utah’s coveted 5 electoral votes for Team McCain. Let’s get this done!

Posted by Betty Cracker on 07/07/08 at 07:16 AM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '08Giuliani is a JerkSt. McSamePolisnarkMittens

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The weather started getting rough, the tiny Mitt was tossed…

Posted by Kevin K. on 01/23/08 at 05:10 PM
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Categories: Knee SlappersPoliticsElection '08YouTubidityMittens

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