Because there’s just not enough Truth in the Public Discourse, Glenn Beck has launched his own high-minded, self-policing, politics-neutral beacon of journalistic integrity, The Blaze:
The image of flame is a powerful [No noun in original text, Ed.]. It has long stood for a burning truth. A truth that is not consumed. The Blaze will pursue truth. Of course we will make mistakes. Honest mistakes. And we’ll be quick with corrections. We intend to earn your trust and keep it day in and day out with hard work and a lot of transparency.
Needless to say, the Truth is in no danger of being “consumed” or even casually bumped by a passer-by on Beck’s clunky, eye-hating billboard for Goldline and Tea-Party-Hijacker Dick Armey. Nor is it likely to be invited to a Midtown lunch-meet by Beck’s All-Star Editorial Farm Team of would-be Conservative media party-crashers who never got let past the Velvet Rope:
♦ Scott Baker, Managing Editor: Former Breitbart VP of Business Development and co-founder of Breitbart.tv. Also, an erstwhile Pittsburgh news anchor who self-produces a Conservative vanity video project called The B-Cast...which aptly describes both the program and the talent.
♦ Pam Key, Associate Editor/Video Producer: Former video contributor to the proudly racist, pathologically Obama-hating Naked Emperor News.
♦ Meredith Jessup, Assistant Editor: Former associate editor for the eminently non-agendized Townhall.com and contributing editor for Townhall Magazine.
No doubt, The Blaze will fill America’s aching void of Must-Read, Small-Bore, Lib-Loathing Flackery in the Age of Restoring Honor.
Two things we learn from the new TV spot by the National Republican Senatorial Committee: (1) Democrats are sneeringly contemptuous of the American public, and (2) Republicans hope to Christ you’re too stupid to remember when that was cool:
“I disagree with what the majority of the American people want.”
—Sen. John McCain, on Iraq (3/10/2008)
“Polls are nothing more than just like a poof of air.”
—President Bush (2/15/2008)
COURIC: But polls have shown that Sen. Obama has actually gotten a boost as a result of this latest crisis, with more people feeling that he can handle the situation better than John McCain.
PALIN: I’m not looking at poll numbers. (9/24/2008)
CHENEY: On the security front, I think there’s a general consensus that we’ve made major progress, that the surge has worked. That’s been a major success.
RADDATZ: Two-thirds of Americans say it’s not worth fighting.
CHENEY: So?
RADDATZ: So? You don’t care what the American people think?
CHENEY: No. I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion polls. (3/19/2008)
Also, please note that Republicans are dynamic, colorful individuals, while Democrats are all scowling black-and-white escapees from a Hitler documentary.
Oh, and Republican candidate percentages are always bigger than the Dem numbers, even when the Dem is winning.
Vladimir Putin would have air-dropped from a Hind helicopter into the Gulf waters at the Deepwater Horizon site, then snorkeled a mile down to inspect the well-head, all on a single breath. Plus, he doesn’t give a damn who takes a picture of his reflective alabaster torso, because he knows he can smash your camera and kill you with a savate kick if your images make him look insufficiently heroic and sexy.
President Obama, in contrast, refused to let the media rubberneck a “private” swim with his daughter Sasha at Panama City, FL. Worse yet, he elected to swim at Saint Andrew Bay—an inlet not technically considered part of the Gulf—because the nearby Gulf beaches had been closed on account of a suspiciously-convenient “hazard” that a White House spokesperson cryptically referred to as “riptides.” Yeah, right. “Riptides.” You can’t make this shit up.
And, so what? Even if there were such a thing as “Dangerous Underwater Conveyor Currents,” Vladimir Putin would have stripped off his crimson Speedo, hurled his children into the vortex, pitched a bucket of fishheads and chum in after them, then laughed—laughed, I tell you—in celebration of his own majestic contempt for weak Capitalist modesty, sappy human sentimentality and responsible parenting.
Count me as one more disappointed Socialist Lackey. I voted for an Iron-Fisted Narcissistic Crypto-Tyrant, and all I got was Ward Cleaver.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KEVIN A SHITTY BLOGGER
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KEVIN A SHITTY BLOGGER
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KEVIN A SHITTY BLOGGER
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KEVIN A SHITTY BLOGGER
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES KEVIN A SHITTY BLOGGER
All I know is that if Obama doesn’t stop the oil leak with his massive Kenyan penis and then give a rousing FDR/Trumanesque speech delivered using a grade 7.5 language level that gives Chris Matthews a blue-vein hard-on and then personally scrubs every drop of oil from the gulf without hurting BP’s profits and making sure every oil worker has a job, I’m out. I mean, come on. That isn’t asking too much, is it? And why don’t we have gay marriage and a cure for cancer? What a loser! If only he hadn’t turned off his progressive base, all this could happen. Ed Schultz told me so.
And he better wear a flag lapel pin while doing it.
Jim Newell is one of the funniest bastards on the innertubes and he’s been a great pal to Rumproast. I’m gonna miss him at Wonkette, but wish him all the best at Gawker, which is allegedly a “web site” that people feel compelled to visit. I guess I’m going to have to start. Fuck.
That’s gratitude for you. First, Obama constructs an elaborate plot to sucker “progressives” into supporting his corporate shill self—using a hideous combination of white guilt, misogyny and lies to dupe us so he can continue George W. Bush’s policies at the behest of his corporate paymasters.
Then he orchestrates the biggest corporate giveaway in the history of the planet under the guise of “reforming” our heinous health care system.
THEN, he buddies up to the oil and gas industry, calling for more offshore drilling right before an unprecedented oil spill disaster in the Gulf of Mexico.
THEN he coordinates a weak-tea financial reform package that allows the scoundrels who Icelandicized our economy—friends of Obama like Jamie Dimon—to continue boning us with impunity while collecting billions of dollars for their trouble.
Don’t say we weren’t warned: We were warned and warned and warned by our progressive betters just as fast as their earnestly typing fingers could fly across their keyboards. Daily—nay hourly!—we were warned. We are, in fact, like, the most warned bitches evar, okay?
The real Dale Peterson craps bigger than you, and can shrivel your dick with an angry look at thirty paces, but this FOD parody captures the paint-peeling intensity of the original…if not the pants-loading sense of imminent Divine Retribution.
Indiana Repub Congressman Mark Souder announced that he will resign from Congress after an affair with a female staffer came to light. Souder just squeaked through the recent Indiana primaries. It didn’t take much political savvy to decide this wouldn’t help him any, especially as Steve Benen notes:
but Souder’s scandal is especially humiliating. The Indiana Republican, after all, has made the “fight to uphold traditional values” the centerpiece of his professional life. His official website declares, “The family plays a fundamental role in our society…. I am committed to preserving traditional marriage, the union of one man and one woman… I am committed to fighting the assault on American values.” Souder has been especially active in fighting against gay rights and for abstinence-only funding
Oops.
Oops indeed. But Souder says it wasn’t his fault! In a statement he released (curiously, in all caps) he says the fault lies with demon Washington.
IT HAS BEEN ALL CONSUMING FOR ME TO DO THIS JOB WELL, ESPECIALLY IN A DISTRICT WITH COSTLY, COMPETITIVE ELECTIONS EVERY TWO YEARS I DO NOT HAVE ANY SORT OF “NORMAL” LIFE - FOR FAMILY, FOR FRIENDS, FOR CHURCH, FOR COMMUNITY.TO SERVE HAS BEEN A BLESSING AND A RESPONSIBILITY GIVEN FROM GOD.I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER EXAMPLE. I SINNED AGAINST GOD, MY WIFE AND MY FAMILY BY HAVING A MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A PART-TIME MEMBER OF MY STAFF.IN THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC, ANY PERSONAL FAILING IS SEIZED UPON, OFTEN TWISTED, FOR POLITICAL GAIN.
*sniffle* I mean how can a God fearing guy be expected to keep his pants properly zipped in an atmosphere like that?
