Polisnark

Saturday, March 16, 2013

CPAC Day 2: Slurps, Slaps, and Slingbacks [Updated]

We’re not here to re-brand a party, we’re here to rebuild a country. We’re here to restore America and the rest is just theatrics. The rest is sound and fury. It’s just making noise.

The next 37 long minutes were indeed taken up with sound and fury—the familiar gurns, squawks, shrieks, and dribbling, punctuated by the novel sound of slurping, to rapturous applause. It’s 2013. It’s CPAC. And it’s Sarah Palin.

Yep, the Grifta from Wasilla, having added Fox News pundit (failed) to her résumé, is BACK. And she’s still totally bonkers. And not in a good way.

Lord knows, when the éminences grises behind CPAC booked her, they knew what to expect. It’s an easy call, because whatever else she’s been doing in her copious spare time since bombing out of the ‘08 election in tears, in between lush speaking gigs and boring the pants off Greta van Susteren she hasn’t come up with much new material.

I’m very grateful to Jim Newell, now liveblogging in the unlikely environment of The Guardian, for keeping tabs on the parade of fail at this year’s Gathering of the Indescribables as I really wasn’t feeling up to it. Also to my co-bloggers marindenver and Vixen Strangely, who’ve been taking up the slack. However, when somebody as absolutely desperate for attention as Sarah Palin bobbles along, it would be downright cruel of me not to indulge her at least a little, so here goes.

Her turn wasn’t totally lacking in some semblance of political gravitas, as she insisted that enough with the navel-gazing already, Republicans just need to hit the streets and get persuadin’:

They’re not our enemies. They’re our sisters and our brothers. They’re our neighbors, they’re our friends. It’s imperative to reach out and to share that conservative message of liberty and less government and lower taxes.

So double-bolt your doors and bar your windows before you turn in tonight, just in case.

Boob jokes. They featured, as Jim notes:

Palin sets up a quite extraordinary breasts-and-ammo joke by telling the crowd that for Christmas, her husband had bought her a rack to hold guns on the back of her truck. Then comes the sexy punchline:

He’s got the rifle, I’ve got the rack!

As attendants carried the coronary casualties in the audience out to the waiting fleet of ambulances, as an example of “less government” Palin chose Mayor Bloomberg’s War on Soda (this is where the slurping comes in), ostentatiously sucking on a mammoth serving through a straw in a manner which suggested that if there was a baseball in there, goshdarn she was havin’ it. If she followed it up with a burp, the networks cut it and the written record is silent. But it did lead to a new party game:

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Strabismus or Sloshed?

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Posted by YAFB on 03/16/13 at 06:24 PM
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Friday, March 15, 2013

DIY Blog Post

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Help me out here.

If, as Mitch McConnell claimed at CPAC today, the Democrats’ 2016 “presidential ticket looks like a rerun of the Golden Girls,” given that the all-star lineup at CPAC 2013 includes in its cast Jeb Bush, Eric Cantor, Steven Crowder, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Newt Gingrich, Bobby Jindal, Michele Bachmann, Steve King, Ron Johnson, Wayne LaPierre, Dana Loesch, Reince Preibus, Sarah Palin, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Wayne Allyn Root, Marco Rubio, Paul Ryan, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, Scott Walker, Ben Shapiro, Allen West, the ghost of Andrew Breitbart, and Mitch himself, what rerun shows would best encapsulate:

(a) CPAC 2013?
(b) the Republicans’ prospective 2016 presidential ticket?

read the whole post »

Posted by YAFB on 03/15/13 at 11:30 AM
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Monday, March 11, 2013

That Would be Bqhatevwr, Esq., Actually

A regular favorite of the blog, former Senator Scott Brown, has become gainfully employed after the manner of non-politicians, in the field of law. And this sounds like such a good thing, after all. After being in the US Senate, lawyering is an excellent trade, practically a form of rehabilition…

Although it kind of looks like they are a connected sort of firm.  Sort of your lobbying lite and let’s do lunch sort of deal. But let’s be clear, Scott Brown is there to be a lawyer, in between FOX News appearances. Because to do otherwise would be unseemly

In other news, Joe Lieberman and Jon Kyl are at AEI, because of bipartisanship. (For a quick reference: Jim DeMint’s at Heritage, because of partisanship.)

There’s days I wouldn’t mind being an ex-senator. The US Senate is a stepping stone to interesting opportunities.

Posted by Vixen Strangely on 03/11/13 at 11:54 PM
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Friday, March 08, 2013

Rand Paul Has 99 Problems

From the “damn, he’s trying too hard to be relevant” files, Marco Rubio made references to hip-and/or-hop artists in a response to Rand Paul’s fauxlibuster (remember, Harry Reid’s spinelessness ensured that “talking filibusters” were unnecessary).  Here’s Rubio incongruously trying to sound relevant:


Ah, yes, way to woo the kids with references to Jay-Z… I think Rubio’s trying to steal the “youth” vote that Rand is trying to inherit from his old man by speaking with the vocabulary of the street.  Good luck, Marco, Paul didn’t even take a drink until he was about an hour into his speech… no furtive snatches at baby-sized water bottles for this Randian superman. Keep quoting those hippety hop artists, Marco, it won’t change the fact that Rand Paul drank your milkshake (which is sure to bring all the libertarians to the yard).  Oh sure, the kids will be appalled that Rand Paul would have opposed the Civil Rights Act of 1964, he doesn’t support reproductive freedom for women, and he didn’t seem to mind that his “Tea Tea Macoutes” stomped a young woman in his presence, but he pretty much left you in his dust (which may explain your dry mouth).  Regarding his continued appeal until 2016, Rand Paul has 99 Problems, but Marco Rubio isn’t one of ‘em.


Of course, Rand Paul is right about the use of drones in extrajudicial killings of American citizens, but you know what they say about a stopped clock… as an added benefit, his fauxlibuster is deepening the rifts in the Republican Party.

Cross-posted at my eponymous blog.

Posted by Big Bad Bald Bastard on 03/08/13 at 07:54 AM
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Categories: PoliticsPolisnark

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

No, Seriously, Bqhatevwer, okay?

Now, imagine you were a former senator who had recently lost a fierce battle, turned down the opportunity for a new senate campaign, and just joined FOX News as a contributor. It’s a busy handful of months, yes? But would you necessarily be picking at a recent wound like the “Bqhatevwer” tweets?  You know, as if they were a thing? Would you go out of your way to explain them? Especially if that way made no sense?

You might if you were Scott Brown:

“Anyone ever hear of pocket tweet, pocket dial? I mean it was pretty simple, you know. I have an iPhone 5. If anyone has an iPhone 5, the keys are small,” Brown told Boston’s FOX 25. “It’s very, very sensitive.”

He said his daughter had been teaching him how to use Facebook and Twitter, but “there are some areas that I didn’t really understand.”

“It was after her concert, we were here right in the living room and I responded to a couple of people. And then I put it in my pocket,” he said.

One of the tweets — “bqhatevwr” — quickly became a meme and was widely mocked.

“The next thing, I wake up and I said — it trended worldwide. Worldwide trending on a pocket tweet,” he said.

FOX 25’s Maria Stephanos then asked whether the tweets were just a mistake. “What else would it be?” he replied.

Okay, player—what else could they be? Let’s stipulate you were sober, because, really, I don’t care who drinks and who doesn’t, because I get ‘faced now and again, my ownself. Maybe you just had a case of the fumblefingers, typo’d, and then made Tweets you didn’t have to explain because, duh, just Tweets.

Instead, we get an explanation about asspocket-dialing. On an iPhone 5. Now, I have an Android phone myself, but it does have one of those touchpad deals. It doesn’t even recognize my dry-skinned fingers unless I’ve used a little lotion. They aren’t so weirdly receptive that you can post nonsense handsfree—and even if you could—it would be nonsense. Although there was this one time I nearly texted pi to the tenth decimal place with my butt. It was all like:

“3.1419526535”

And I’m like “That’s random—except if that was pi, it would be ‘3.1415926535’—I thought my ass knew math!” and it was when I had a phone with an actual, not virtual keyboard, and I might have been tipsy like erryone else in the club, oh yeah, and I made that up because you can’t ass-dial a nearly statistically improbable series of numbers anymore than you could a nearly-English language Tweet. So, like, why front, Brown?

Unless, as is the contention of, I believe, most of us here at Rumproast, this Scott Brown guy just ain’t bright. Thus, “Bqhatevwr” has become one of our tags to symbolize not-bright things conservatives say. And I thought I would throw this down about the legend of Brown because he may resurface as a gubernatorial candidate in MA or something. And our auld acquaintance with this knob shouldn’t be forgot. So bqhatevwer for auld lang syne, my dears. His ridicule is just and deserved.

Posted by Vixen Strangely on 02/19/13 at 10:53 PM
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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Aqualunge, My Friends, Made Him Start Away Uneasy…

I just am not up to putting together a critique of Obama’s pretty darn good SOTU speech, which addressed climate change, gun control, and raising the minimum wage—all things quite timely and appropriate; nor am I concerned with poor Senator Marco Rubio’s long day, which started with voting against VAWA and ended with a speech where he complained that the President (who mentioned lowering the deficit, like a million times) was trying to create bigger government and boo-hoo’d over the notion that any Democratic president might ascribe motives to the GOP based on the logical outcomes of their policies as opposed to assuming in good faith that they believed their talking points. I just want to focus on what everyone will focus on, and are already all about on the Twitter engines:the Big Sip.

It’s a thing of so much awkwardness, and the water bottle is so tiny. He moves in for it like maybe, if he moves fast enough, we won’t even notice he had a case of cottonmouth and naturally, took a drink during a speech (LIKE PEOPLE DO!). (JUST NOT SO AWKWARDLY!)

Anyone want to share their impressions? Open thread.

Posted by Vixen Strangely on 02/12/13 at 11:32 PM
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Saturday, February 09, 2013

Trump vs. Bill Maher—Birther vs. Aper

Bill Maher reports on The Donald’s decision to sue him for $5 million for alleging on air that Trump’s the progeny of his mother and an orangutang. (There’s a short ad at the beginning, but you can skip it after 5 seconds or so.)

Trump fires back via TMZ:

Donald Trump has made it clear ... his legal war with Bill Maher isn’t just about the money ... it’s personal—telling TMZ the comic CROSSED THE LINE when he suggested Trump’s mom banged an orangutan.

Trump just appeared on “TMZ Live” and explained why he’s confident he’ll emerge victorious in his $5 million lawsuit against Maher ... claiming he doesn’t believe Bill was joking when he appeared on Leno earlier this year and challenged Trump to prove he isn’t the “spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan.”

Donald says he vows to defend his parents’ honor—telling us, “What he said about my father is disgraceful ... and what he said about my mother, who’s deceased, was in a certain way, even more disgraceful.”

“I’ve never heard anything like that said about my parents ... who were truly great people.”

POPCORN!

Posted by YAFB on 02/09/13 at 12:31 PM
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Saturday, February 02, 2013

Slappin’ at Skeeters and Scratching My Head

I think it’s a sad day in journamalism when the question of whether President Obama really, really, for really truly and honest-to-gosh “goes skeet-shooting all the time” at Camp David is seriously fact-checked.  And yet I think it’s a hilarious day when Breitbart’s very own John Nolte questions why no one is questioning the fact checkers. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes, dig? Woodward and Bernstein once brought down a president with Watergate—but today’s lapdog press is blindly accepting photographic evidence debunking Skeetgate that was made in the very same seat of the powerful that brought us such sheer propaganda as….

I’m thinkin’....

Anyhow, he asks us to consider the evidence:

Today, however, the White House released a photo that purports to show Obama (love that tucked-in shirt) shooting skeet last August. Except… he’s shooting straight ahead, which means that there’s either a barn door somewhere in need of some patching, or Obama is such an awesome skeet shooter, he hits them as they come out of the firing device.

I keed, I keed. There are legitimate reasons that would explain the angle of his gun, but….

(I humbly submit that since there is smoke coming out the barrel, he has already shot and lowered the rifle, probably because it makes sense in the linear stream of things.  And I’ve watched many episodes of CSI. CSI: New York and Miami, too!) And of course, the press is only doing it to make the skeet-truthers look stupid!  Because…um.  Right.

Can anyone remind me again why this is supposed to matter? 

Posted by Vixen Strangely on 02/02/13 at 04:37 PM
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Monday, January 28, 2013

Former Romney Advisor Has New Career

Via Rawstory, it looks like Bay Buchanan, former Romney campaign spox, has canned punditry for real estate:

Just two days after the election, Buchanan started an online real estate course and recently became a sales associate for McEnearney Associates Inc. in McLean, Va.

“Being somebody that they kind of know will be a real positive and, as you know, I’m just a charming person,” Buchanan insisted, adding that “compared to what I did in the past, this is an easy sell.”

“It’s so negative and TV is more difficult than ever in the sense that it’s really not an honest debate anymore,” she said of her television talking head days. “I can’t just live my life going on TV and being angry all the time.”

And, well, I’ve got no snark about that. Oh, as a pundit, she was great snarkfodder but it’s kind of nice to think that someone can look at being a tv talking head person and walk away if it actually isn’t fulfilling or useful to them (or anyone else, for that matter). And after looking over Bette’s grand recap of some of the GOP’s post-electoral shenanigans, I shouldn’t wonder if other conservative spokesfolks wouldn’t be thinking of doing something along the same lines. Just as happened shortly after the 2008 election, one expects to see some “serious” pundits (think Frum, Douthat, Brooks), plump for “Conservative smarter”, while seeing bloggerati go for “Conservative harder.”  But the old tricks won’t be unlearned  and there’s no point in message tweaking when it’s the ideas that aren’t hitting it with people.

What’s left isn’t “going Galt” but “going straight”. Not that I’m advising the opposition party in what to do, after all. But I do wish Bay Buchanan luck in her new field, where selling a “fixer-upper” might bear the promise of actually being a fixable commodity.

Posted by Vixen Strangely on 01/28/13 at 10:12 PM
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Categories: PoliticsElection '12MittensOur Stupid MediaPolisnark

Sunday, January 20, 2013

YAFB’s 2012 Rumproast Roundup, Part 5

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This summary of December—from the sublime “Gangnam Style” to the ridiculous Marco Rubio—completes my 2012 roundup.

Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here, Part 3 is here, and Part 4 is here.

read the whole post »

Posted by YAFB on 01/20/13 at 08:00 AM
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Saturday, January 19, 2013

YAFB’s 2012 Rumproast Roundup, Part 4

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The penultimate part of my stream-of-consciousness romp through the past year on Rumproast takes us from the suspense of the eve of the first Presidential Debate to the glorious GOP recriminations and infighting of the end of November. Part 5—December—will follow tomorrow (Sunday).

Part 1 is here, Part 2 is here, and Part 3 is here.

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Posted by YAFB on 01/19/13 at 05:42 PM
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My Inaugural Poem

Last night, on the drive to work, I heard an interview on PBS Newshour with Richard Blanco, the poet chosen to read a poem at the second inauguration of the Kenyan Usurper.  While I have no animosity toward Mister (or should I say Señor?) Blanco, I’m a little miffed that I wasn’t chosen as the inaugural poet.  I mean, I totally wasted about five minutes writing my inaugural poem:

A second term!
The wingnuts squirm,
And each cries for his momma.
The president
Is still a gent
Named Barry H. Obama.


Anybody up for contributing additional stanzas?

Cross posted at my eponymous blog.

Posted by Big Bad Bald Bastard on 01/19/13 at 06:09 AM
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Categories: PoliticsBarack ObamaPolisnark

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

YAFB’s 2012 Rumproast Roundup, Part 3

Part 3 of my roundup, after the fold, spans the “Good grief, is Mitt really relying on the Breitbartlets to win this thing for him?!” of early July to the plaintive “Are we there yet?” whimper of the end of September.

Part 4 will follow before the Inauguration, shoulder injury and acts of the FSM willing. Part 1 is here, and Part 2 is here.

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Posted by YAFB on 01/09/13 at 11:04 AM
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Saturday, January 05, 2013

Gaulois Galoot Goes Galt

Finally, an overprivileged tax-avoiding whiner has the courage to “go Galt”- Ubuesque actor Gerard Depardieu has finally gotten sick of all the merdre he’s put up with at the hands of the money-grabbing French government and moved to the capitalists’ paradise (you read that right) of Russia to enjoy their 13% flat income tax.  Of course, Tea Party types love their flat taxes, largely because flat taxes are regressive

Perhaps the Tea Partiers can be convinced to move en masse to Russia, where they won’t be taxed excessively.  The fact that Russia is an oligarchy led by corrupt kleptocrats backed by armed thugs should be no problem for the Tea Party supporters.  Now, besides playing up the flat tax angle, how do we convince the ‘baggers to move to Russia?  Maybe we can convince George Soros to fund the construction of a Potemkin Branson in Siberia.

Alternate post title: Depardieu.s.s.r.

Cross-posted at my eponymous blog.

Posted by Big Bad Bald Bastard on 01/05/13 at 07:50 AM
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Categories: PoliticsPolisnark

Sunday, December 30, 2012

YAFB’s 2012 Rumproast Roundup, Part 2

Part 2 of my roundup, after the fold, takes us from the primary fever of April to the batshit insanity of the end of June. Part 1 is here and Part 3 is here.

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Posted by YAFB on 12/30/12 at 10:22 AM
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