The occupant of today’s ducking stool is a post by Erick Erickson that is entitled—I shit you not—“The Perversion of the Words of Our Lord Jesus Christ by the Sinner Barack H. Obama.” CottonMather CottonMatherson waxes theological for 1,500 words or so, returning to variations on the word “pervert” with such alarming frequency as to inspire concern for Georgia’s dairy goat population.
The post is such a textbook demonstration of moral obtuseness, ignorance and conceit that to put it through the Ensnarkerator seems superfluous. Instead, I’ll turn the analysis of Preacher SonOfAPreacherman over to Emily J. Brontë, who described a similar (but harder-working) character thusly:
He was, and is yet most likely, the wearisomest self-righteous Pharisee that ever ransacked a Bible to rake the promises to himself and fling the curses to his neighbours.
Speaking of assholes, we’ve got our own low-rent version of Sarah Palin in the Florida legislature: State Senator Ronda Storms. She just introduced a bill to ban welfare recipients from using food stamps to purchase cakes, cookies, Jello and potato chips. Is it because she’s concerned about good nutrition? Hell no. Storms wants to make sure a struggling single mom can’t buy her child an Oreo because Storms is a self-righteous, sanctimonious jackass.
And naturally, Storms is another tiresome god-botherer who would make Jesus, if he existed, puke his holy guts out. Her continued existence, unsmited, is all the evidence I need that Bill Maher has it right in the clip down yonder.
So, it’s Super Bowl Sunday. What are y’all cooking for the occasion, if anything? Does anyone have a good recipe for onion dip that does not include Lipton’s Onion Soup Mix? I intend to try this Alton Brown recipe unless someone has a better suggestion.
Also, Giants or Patriots? I’m not particularly fond of either team (my team is the sucky Bucs), but I’m leaning toward the Giants for no particular reason.
This is the last time I’ll talk about Komen, pinky-swear. It’s just so nice to not lose for once, plus I’m still bummed I never got to use the post title “Ayes Up Here.”
The KFC* Backle-Down Planned-wich
Ingredients
2 breaded chicken breasts
1 egg
1 tbsp. mayonnaise, salted
3 strips bacon, twisted into “awareness ribbon” shapes
1/3 cup shredded mozzarella
1/4 cup crushed tortilla chips
Deep-fry chicken breasts. Cook bacon in skillet. Mix egg with salted mayonnaise, then scramble the living hell out of it.
Top egg/mayo mixture with shredded mozzarella and crushed tortilla chips, because Catholicism! Add bacon and place between chicken breasts. Offer to guests, then retract offer, then, when they raise a stink, give it back. Shoo pets out of room; guests might go a little crazy with the victory laps.
Side note: When the real word’s “cumin,” a “Komen” joke in a fake recipe is defused somewhat, I’ve found.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “that’s the most disgusting sandwich I’ve ever heard of, and it sounds incredibly unhealthy to boot.” Well, first off, It should be noted that mine’s more nutritious than the actual thing. Second, there’s no need to fear the damage it might do to your heart and other organs; simply read this Kathleen Parker column after eating, and voilà! That’s onomatopoeia, not French.
Two of the top news stories this week have revolved around reproductive rights, though both raise far more troubling issues than a woman’s right to contraception or abortion.
See? That opening line alone’s enough to make me voilà my guts out.
Or maybe not, we’ll see. It’s not like we weren’t going to have to go through this rigamarole again next year anyway, especially with people like this around and my proposed “Yeah, but C’mon, Have You Listened to these Assholes?” amendment to the Bill of Rights seemingly stalled in congress. Do-nothings!
The abortion giant thinks it is above the law even though it is under criminal investigation for many, many good reasons — it has defrauded Medicaid to the tune of millions of dollars and has been caught on tape telling 13- and 14-year-olds how to get abortions after being impregnated by men in their 30s and telling pimps how to get secret abortions for young girls who are being used for sex trafficking.
I like how she manages to perpetuate the O’Keefe garbage (she does have a BS in psychology, after all) and imply that there’s something monstrous about helping a barely-pubescent girl terminate a pregancy that resulted from one of those oh-so-common totally consensual relationships thirtysomething men are always getting into with seventh-graders. Ah, those May-ephebophile romances.
And not for nothing—I know it’s considered a modern classic, but I found The Abortion Giant to be maudlin and manipulative, Vin Diesel’s surprisingly tender voicework aside.
She lies, Komen, better hide your… okay, that one’s a stretch.
Eerie, right? A simple rule of thumb for telling them apart: one is a soulless bloodsucker whose nebbishy exterior belies his mission to spread evil, pestilence, and death; the other one’s Michael Gerson, and he’s also pretty terrible.
Here’s the newest volley from Radio RWaPo (“It’s not hate speech when white men wearing neckties say it”), and just in time! No use fomenting resentment and distrust among the populace after the election.
Serving the poor and healing the sick are regarded as secular pursuits — a determination that would have surprised Christianity’s founder.
See, this is why Gerson’s on the op-ed page and the rest of you schmucks are slaving away in the “On Faith” section. A lesser propagandist would’ve claimed explicitly that Jesus invented altruism and that non-Christians can be charitable only in the sense that dogs can stand on their hind legs, but Gerson knows how to imply it.
Hmm. Blockquoting isn’t terribly satisfying for some reason, maybe because it ignores Gerson’s long history in Washington power circles, and that context seems relevant. I’ve got a better idea, lemme try something:
“Both radicalism and maliciousness are at work in Obama’s decision — an edict delivered with a sneer,” wrote the former chief speechwriter for George W. Bush.
Hey, whatcha havin’ for breakfast? Ooh, an omelette, sounds delish. I’ve heard that making one of those requires certain sacrifices that could be considered controversial, so count yourself lucky that chickens haven’t established a religious organization that wields political sway out of accordance with its role in a pluralistic society, else you’d have to settle for a bowl of Chex.
Oh anti-gay activists, is there anything you can’t make intensely homoerotic? From Raw Story, which sounds super-gay all of a sudden, comes (ha) this far-out (hee hee) claim from the head (oh ho ho) of conservative Christian organization the Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy the Family Research Council, which takes the official position that the hate better be the only thing swelling in you now:
Tony Perkins: Star Wars ‘surrenders to gay empire’
You know it. I know it. And Rick Santorum knows it: the ivy-covered walls of academe are lousy with Obama’s minions, all busily installing Saulinsky chips in the soft malleable brains of the Young. The propensity of these institutions to publish scholarship clearly controverting the received wisdom of the Only Textbook That Counts. This Liberal-tainted “scholarship” only proves their allegiance to Obama and Lucifer the Lightbringer, which is why we must dismiss it and stick to the wisdom of the bravely Judeo-Christian experts who have set up a parallel world of unaccredited universities and peerless (as in non-peer-reviewed) research.
De Botton suggests that atheists like Richard Dawkins won’t ever convince people that atheism is an attractive way of looking at life until they provide them with the sort of rituals, buildings, communities and works of art and architecture that religions have always used.
Yes, that’s a lovely idea. Who wants to sleep in on weekends? I salute this notion, it promises all the sense of obligation and going-through-the-motions of church attendance, but without the downside of getting to be reunited with loved ones when you die. And don’t lie, you know that when you’re reading a comment thread on Pharyngula you’re thinking the whole time, “man, I sure wish I could sit next to these charming folks on a wooden bench for an hour and a half every week.”
I’d like an atheist temple in my neighborhood, actually; might help me figure out why, exactly, my godless brethren are so keen on having meetings all the time. Maybe the rampant polysexual hedonism’s more fun with an audience? Me, I’d be too paranoid about revelers bogarting my abortifacient stash to really loosen up.
My initial reaction to this story was a frustrated cry of “it’s called THE OUTDOORS,” but to be fair, this guy lives in England. I’ve never been, but to hear my more globetrotty friends tell it, a typical weather forecast goes something like “dreary with a chance of seasonal affective disorder,” so okay, I can’t expect Londoners to develop deeply meaningful personal relationships with Stephen Jay Gould or whoever over a picnic spread. Still, I can’t help but think he’s mistaking old for religious. I mean yeah, St. Patrick’s Cathedral is breathtaking, no question, but a modernist church? Yuck. Looks kinda cool from the outside but then you walk in and there’re all these weird angles that don’t seem to have any real purpose. I think I’m still talking about architecture.
De Botton argues that you definitely don’t need a god or gods to justify a temple. ‘You can build a temple to anything that’s positive and good. That could mean: a temple to love, friendship, calm or perspective.’
Okay, you guys have fun building your temples! I’ll be rubbing mine.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/26/12 at 06:29 PM
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So I was trying to find a way to rescue that dumb thing I just posted, and when I Google-Imaged “Dick Van Patten” (sounds weird, but you’ll see, or better yet, won’t), this came up with the first set of results.
You don’t understand, I’ve been seeking out this issue my whole entire life. All I remembered was that there was a green rabbit-guy who kicked some other guy in the face—this really stuck with me for some reason—but now that it’s in front of me, every single panel is achingly familiar. I just Butterfly Affected into me when I was, like, six or seven. My prostate feels fantastic!
Thanks, Rumproast. Next time I’ll try to post something we can all derive enjoyment from.
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/17/12 at 10:29 PM
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“The Ark is long but it bends where all the elephants and hippos are.”
“The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict, but it sure is a time-saver having my corkscrew, nail-file, and tweezers all in one place.”
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to Eustice Evermoore. And Eustice will fuck you up.”
By way of response, Stein asked the agency to tell Kyocera that he was not certain that global warming was a man-made phenomenon as “he believed that God, and not man, controlled the weather”
Yeeaahh, that’s a stretch.
But wait, nobody involved at any step of the process thought this might be a concern when you hire outspoken lunatic Ben Stein, star of Expelled, the pro-Intelligent Design movie that blames Darwin for the Holocaust? Also a stretch!
Feel the burn, credulity!
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/13/12 at 06:00 AM
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Start your day off with a brisk bout of GAH, courtesy of My First Newspaper:
Faith also reminded Patriots such as Henry that the American people needed virtue to channel their freedom into moral purposes.
Fun fact: USA Today doesn’t have an editorial board, their op-eds are written with the use of Super Cloying Mad Libs Volume 2. “Freedom also reminded virtuosos such as Henry that the American people needed patriotism to channel their morals into faithful purposes,” “Patriotism also reminded moralists such as Henry that the American people needed faith to channel their freedom into virtual purposes,” etc.
Anyway, get the hell up and enjoy the Indian summer before God takes it back like some kind of giving-a-gift-and-then-taking-it-back type person.
George Michael and to a lesser degree Fred Durst speak for me
Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/07/12 at 09:47 AM
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the following is best experienced with this music playing, but then, what isn’t
How you livin’, girl?
Greetings, your fine-ness, and welcome to gil mann’s pad o’ seduction. Make yourself comfortable, have a li’l somethin’ to drink, and don’t mind Jim Wallis’s Huffington Post column; if there’s one thing gil mann can make sexy, it’s anything.
Hate-spewing Coelecanth and Anders Behring Breivik muse, Pamela “Aynist” Geller, is simply beside herself since WordPress shut down the vile anti-Muslim hate site Bare Naked Islam. Pam is ready to sue for the freedom of BNI commenters to urge , as quoted by CAIR via TPM, ““What’s all this pussy-footing??? Throw 10 Molotov cocktails into these mosques and burn them down even with a**-lifters in them, especially with a**-lifters in them.”
By curious happenstance, 2012 began with a series of four terrorist firebombings in Queens last night. Molotov cocktails, at least three of which utilized Starbucks frappucino bottles, were thrown at mostly Muslim targets: a bodega, a prominant mosque and Islamic Center, a private home, and a house which was known to host Hindu services, which of course we all know are just Islam in paisley camo.
Would I dare to suggest that last night’s anti-Muslim terrorist firebombings were in any way connected with Pam Geller’s incessant anti-Muslim agitation? Oh heavens, no! Any more than she would suggest that Anders Breivik’s victims were too brown to be considered real Norwe——oh, oops! Inapt simile. Any more than Free Republic would assume that Los Angeles Firebomber Samuel Arrington was Mus——
——Well, Hell’s Bells. Only 363 or so days until New Year’s! New beginnings, and all that. I can hardly wait.
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