Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Possibly the most unfortunate book title. Ever.


Former Penn State defensive coordinator and accused child rapist Jerry Sandusky wrote an autobiography 10 years ago that was entitled “Touched.” Really.

As more details emerge about the scandal engulfing the Penn State football program, it’s becoming pretty clear that the sorry bastards who were in charge of the university and the program allowed a pedophile to roam the campus. Every damn one of them should be fired. Including Joe Paterno.

I’m a big college football fan, but not without misgivings. It bothers me that university programs make so much money while exploiting student athletes, most of whom will never have a shot at the next level or even a decent education. It bothers me that so much focus and money are directed at athletics rather than academics.

But all of that is small potatoes compared to the horror that was happening at Penn State for god knows how many years now. It would be nice to think it couldn’t happen elsewhere. But that would be another lie.

Nothing good ever comes out of a situation like this. But is it too late to back up and put college athletics and the flawed men who govern it back into their rightful place, which is surely a notch or two below God himself? Is it too late to reverse the mindset that could enable several grown men—men employed by a program that is widely lauded for its uncommonly honorable approach to athletics—to ignore a hideous crime because reporting it might give the program a black eye? Yeah, I guess it is too late.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 11/08/11 at 05:31 AM

Categories: NewsSports

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Florida Repubs seek to overturn job-killing ban on dwarf tossing


I swear I’m not making this up.

In other news, Sarah Palin is STILL not running for president! The shell-shocked Palin Cult is trying to come to grips with this unthinkable development. I haven’t heard such wailing and gnashing of teeth since Hillary Clinton conceded the Democratic primary in 2008, in many cases from the very same people. What can one say besides this? And this?

Posted by Betty Cracker on 10/06/11 at 06:21 AM

Categories: NewsPoliticsElection '10NuttersTeabaggeryPUMAsSports

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Open Mouth, Plant Face

When I want insightful political commentary, I always ask a guy who once fell 442 feet onto his head.

ESPN — which holds the World Record for hiring and firing offensive on-air talent — predictably responded by pulling Bocephus’ theme music from its Monday Night Football open. 

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 10/04/11 at 04:57 AM

Categories: MusicPoliticsOur Stupid MediaSports

Thursday, September 29, 2011

“You have got to be kidding me!”

“There comes a time when all the cosmic tumblers have clicked into place and the universe opens itself up for a few seconds to show you what is possible.” (Field of Dreams)

Posted by Betty Cracker on 09/29/11 at 07:19 AM

Categories: SportsYouTubidity

Sunday, September 04, 2011

America’s Putin

This morning, athletic former elected official Sarah Palin showed participants in a “1/2 marathon” at Storm Lake, Iowa how to “run an unconventional race” by wearing a disguise and cutting across residential lawns.

Later today, she will compete in Iowa’s Extreme Scuba-Rules Dove Dynamiting Exhibition in celebration of the opening of the state’s dove-hunting season last Thursday.

[Original non-snarky story via GretaWire.]

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 09/04/11 at 11:07 AM

Categories: PoliticsElection '12NuttersSarah PalinTeabaggerySports

Friday, July 08, 2011

No Weddings, One Funeral

What could be more vermiform than the repulsive former News Of The World editor Paul McMullen, or more wonderful than watching him shrivel under avenging investigator Hugh Grant’s withering attack?

If McMullen doesn’t take Grant’s gem of a parting shot to heart, Central Casting could always find a place for him exemplifying stock poltroons and swindlers. Perhaps Grant could put in a call for him.

Posted by Mrs. Polly on 07/08/11 at 02:15 PM

Categories: Knee SlappersMessylaneousPoliticsNuttersOur Stupid MediaSports

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Newt’s Veepstakes

Serial lecher Newt Gingrich announced his candidacy for president today. It’s hard to believe a gigantic, leaky douchebag like Newt Gingrich could be a serious contender for a major party nomination, but this is America. We can buy and sell anything. All it takes is some marketing finesse.

So far, the Newt campaign hasn’t shown much. Do they really think they can pass off the Queen of the Cream Cheese People (Trophy Wife #3, who snatched her highly dubious prize from the matrimonial clutches of Trophy Wife #2) as a “character witness”?

Come the fuck on. To counter the Marianas Trench of loathsomeness that is Newt Gingrich, a Mount Everest of cuteness is required. Newt needs some weapons-grade cute—now. Below the fold are some creatures who are so adorable they almost balance Newt’s physical and moral hideousness. They should therefore be considered possible running mates.

read the whole post »

Posted by Betty Cracker on 05/11/11 at 06:30 PM

Categories: CrittersNewsPoliticsBedwettersElection '12NuttersSports

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Creative Pitches I Wish I’d Been In On #1: Kegasus

Nothing says “The Sport of Kings” like a shitfaced man-horse who runs one and three-sixteenths miles, then throws up at the finish line while trying to light the wrong end of a box of Newports. But that seems to be the image the Preakness promoters are going for this year, in an attempt to win back hard-partying groundlings who bailed on the race after BYOB was banned from the infield in 2009.

Behold “Kegasus,” the Preakness’ 2011 mascot, who toots his mighty stag-flask to alert the thirsty world of 18-25-year-olds that just because you have to leave your home-brew in the car doesn’t mean you can’t mud-wrestle a dwarf while sucking down a $20 bottomless beer purchased on the premises. Oh, and there will also be a horse-race afterward.

For the sake of mythological accuracy, of course, Kegasus should be a drunken winged stallion who plummets into the grandstand after strafing the infield crowd with enchanted road-apples. But my guess is that concept didn’t make it past the first focus group.

[UPDATE:] Totally righteous Kegasus TV spot below the fold.

read the whole post »

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 03/30/11 at 03:41 PM

Categories: Geek SpeakNewsSkull HampersSports

Friday, March 25, 2011

Gators defeat BYU in overtime


W00t! That is all.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/25/11 at 06:48 AM

Categories: Sports

Monday, March 21, 2011

Department of LOLZ

Florida’s Governor Bat Boy was booed mercilessly as he threw out the first pitch at a Tampa spring training game:

He throws like a girl too.

Posted by Betty Cracker on 03/21/11 at 11:14 AM

Categories: PoliticsElection '10NuttersTeabaggerySportsTelevision

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Super Bowl Champions, NFL, Flash Their Union Labels

From: Eight current and past players for the Green Bay Packers
To:    Gov. Scott Walker
Re:    Really large union workers would like you to lay off their brothers and sisters

We know that it is teamwork on and off the field that makes the Packers and Wisconsin great. As a publicly owned team we wouldn’t have been able to win the Super Bowl without the support of our fans.

It is the same dedication of our public workers every day that makes Wisconsin run. They are the teachers, nurses and child care workers who take care of us and our families. But now in an unprecedented political attack Governor Walker is trying to take away their right to have a voice and bargain at work.

The right to negotiate wages and benefits is a fundamental underpinning of our middle class. When workers join together it serves as a check on corporate power and helps ALL workers by raising community standards. Wisconsin’s long standing tradition of allowing public sector workers to have a voice on the job has worked for the state since the 1930s. It has created greater consistency in the relationship between labor and management and a shared approach to public work.

These public workers are Wisconsin’s champions every single day and we urge the Governor and the State Legislature to not take away their rights.

The NFL Players Association has also issued a statement of support. [via The Notion, h/t LG$‘s Charli Carpenter]

Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 02/19/11 at 08:53 AM

Categories: PoliticsNuttersTeabaggerySports

Monday, February 07, 2011

Preening GOP Talking Points Dispenser Interviews Obama

BillO continued the Fox News tradition of interrupting the president begun by “straight news” colleague Brett Baier, perhaps exceeding Baier’s interruptions-per-minute record. Obama handled O’Reilly’s interjection of numerous wingnut talking points with the gravity O’Reilly deserved—he repeatedly laughed them off.

Obama also pointedly declined to endorse O’Reilly’s self-described “fairness” right at the end of the clip. Well played, sir.

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin gave imaginary radio host (podcaster) Tammy Bruce a mad lady-boner without saying a word: All Palin had to do was ride a horsey!

Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/07/11 at 07:32 AM

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Cowboys Stadium pulls hilarious yank the chair away at the last second joke on hundreds of fans

If you’re in Dallas ... Hell, if you’re in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana or New Mexico, GO INSIDE and stay away from the windows. According to The National Bureau of Alarming Statistics there’s a 70% chance of an Cheese Head/Terrible Towel riot [via Y!News]:

Angry fans outside a Cowboys Stadium fence chanted “Let us in,” “Jerry sucks,” and “We want seats” while being denied inside access for Super Bowl XLV on Sunday.

The ticketed fans, estimated between 200-400, were denied entry inside the stadium because temporary seating sections to be installed for the game had not been completed. In the meantime, the NFL has moved the fans to the Party Plaza area – the stadium’s standing room only section.

And Mr. Jones, ya’ll might want to keep your head down for a bit.

(Consider this yer SBXLV Open Thread.)

Posted by Hunger Tallest Palin on 02/06/11 at 06:25 PM

Categories: Sports

“Madden NFL 11” Simulation Predicts Steelers Over Packers in 24-20 Squeaker

I’m on deadlines today and I’m already stuffed full of Junk Food Reagan Revisionism, so I’m grateful to the tech-forward gamesters at EA Sports for pre-playing tonight’s match on the latest version of Madden NFL and boiling it down to a 1:23 highlights reel—especially since Pittsburgh won’t clinch it until the final minute of the 4th, which means I’d otherwise have to watch the whole gawdamn thing right to the wire.

I know, I know—by everyone else’s calculations, Pittsburgh is the underdog. But the Madden NFL sim has predicted the winner in six of the last seven SBs…which just goes to show how far game simulations have evolved in only a few years. 

Posted by StrangeAppar8us on 02/06/11 at 12:17 PM

Categories: Geek SpeakSports

SUPER BOWL!!! Plus, the Gipper’s Reign of Tepid

In honor of the horrid presidency of Ronald Reagan (who would have turned 100 today, as you’ll be endlessly reminded if you watch TV, which of course you will if you’re in America because today it’s the fucking SUPER BOWL!!1!1!), here’s a look back at a horrid half-time show that occurred during the Reagan years:

Yep, that bit of over-produced, substance-free schmaltz sums up the Reagan legacy better than any hagiographic portrait you’re likely to encounter today.

As for the Big Game itself, I expect today’s will be a memorable one between two well-matched teams. I’ll be rooting for the Pack. Why?

Because after hearing all week about how the man who tripled the national debt, financed al Qaeda, busted unions, traded arms for hostages, funded death squads, ignored AIDS, befriended apartheid proponents, kicked the mentally ill out onto the street, etc., etc., etc., is the Greatest Conservative Hero Evah, my tolerance for blatant lies and rank hypocrisy is at a low ebb.

After that, I’m really not up for hearing a New Story of Redemption about an overpaid athlete who triumphed over adversity by coming back from being benched for four whole games due to multiple sexual assaults who then goes on to win the Ultimate Game on the World’s Biggest Stage in a classic tale of overcoming adversity and capitalizing on second fourth chances. That’s why.

[H/T: The Village Voice’s Luis Paez-Pumar, who is preemptively slagging today’s Super Bowl half-time show act, the Black Eyed Peas. I like the Peas, so I’m more optimistic. I’m 100% confident they’ll be better than Up with People.]

Posted by Betty Cracker on 02/06/11 at 07:49 AM

Categories: MusicPoliticsSportsTelevisionYouTubidity

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